ON A DISTANT SHORE
by Lisa-san
Summary: I wrap myself around him and let him lead our dance of passion…all I want is to feel him…to taste him…to smell him…to have him be mine…if only for this night…if only for this night…


**ON A DISTANT SHORE**

**Chapter One: Children of Athena **  
Everyday I look at my kids and wonder whether or not they really belong to me, and pray that the answer is yes, otherwise I might want to kill myself. I wonder whether a woman with my past deserves such happiness. In this peaceful place where I decided to raise them, all the world I was used to seems so far away; well, not so far, though. The Gold Saints come to visit us every month to see how the search for new kids to raise to be saints goes. Every time I receive their visits, it seems to me like they have the scent of the Aegean sea all over them, and I have to hold back when they go away from grabbing them and beg them to take me away, back to my beautiful Greece, but at the same time, I wonder whether or not they are here to take my kids away, and that scares me. My best friends and my worst enemies…

The Atlantic doesn't have the same fragrance. The Atlantic stinks to me. Yehoshua and Michaela don't even know the difference: they have never seen the Mediterranean. But they have my same blood: they can't resist throwing themselves in the water, whenever the climate here allows it, which doesn't happen so often. However, my kids can bear low temperatures much better than me, which makes me wonder whether or not this is a gift of the nature of this place where they were born, which is cold no matter what.

Everybody here loves them. They are really adorable, but they are growing. This year they are going to be five, and the more the time goes by, the more my fear grows. It grows at the same rhythm as them.

Sometimes I wish I could hide them forever, and I try to think of the circumstances in which they were born as a number of coincidences. Marin, June, and the others, think that I am only paranoid, that no matter what, our kids have to be devoted defenders of Athena, and that I should be happy that they have the chance. It's true, and I wouldn't want any other future for them other than be heroes. Which mother doesn't want the best for her children? To me the best thing you can do is to serve Athena, and that is what I want my children to do. However, they are still my children. Mine! I kept them in my womb, I gave birth to them! I fed them my own milk! Nobody has the right to take them away from me!! But I feel that it's going to happen…

I don't know why I am so scared if I know which one has got to be their future. Sometimes I wonder which one is my real fear, Athena deciding tomorrow that they are ready, or..." Shaina! Shaina!" I shuddered as I heard Yehoshua's voice calling me in an excited tone. " What is going on, honey? You scared me!" I said as I ran toward the seashore where he was playing with other kids.

The weather was balmy at last, and I had decided that we could spend a couple of hours taking a walk along the shore. Michaela was in the city with Marin, and Yehoshua and me were having this kind of "date". He laughed at my fear and said," Sorry Shaina, I just wanted you to check this out! It's the most amazing thing I have ever seen! Look!" He was so solemn in his tone while he was showing me his "treasure", an old tile with blue geometric drawings on, that the salty water had shaped in an undefined form. " Amore, I thought you were hurt or something! It's only an old piece of tile…" I said with a sigh of relief. " Can I keep it? Please?" said him with his father's seducing smile, " Of course you can!" I answered laughing, "Let's go back now." He took my hand and we walked back to the mansion.

Kids are so simple…it takes just the glimmer of a piece of glass to make them believe they found a treasure…My kids are terribly smart, and I can feel their Cosmo very clearly by now, but they are still kids…It's amazing how serious they can turn when they are in school or at the training camp, to come back the silly children who pull tongue at each other one minute later.

One thing that none of us could manage to teach them, though, is to call us Mommy. Of course, although they live a happy situation here, all together in the same "big house", as they use to call the mansion where some of us have been transferred after the end of the Holy war, with all of us around them, they don't really know the meaning of the world "family".

This is not necessarily something bad. I mean: they don't know the meaning of Mother-Father-Children kind of family, but this doesn't mean that they are deprived of the affection that kids are supposed to have, only they get it from different people, and let's say that a lot of kids envy them. They believe to be all brothers and sisters, and of course, I am Shaina, Marin is Marin and so on, because that is the way they hear everybody calling us, and of course, they don't know the meaning of the word "daddy".

Thank God, they don't really question us on that point, which in a way is relieving, but I keep wondering how long it will last. I look at all of them, and I wonder whether or not these beautiful works of nature were part of a big project, just like their fathers before them: all part of the project of Mitsumasa Kido to create a generation of Saints, were we are the matrixes, me and the other girls…

The children don't really share their own time with other kids than the ones they know from their special school and the training camps, but those children often don't even have a mother, so our kids don't have to deal with children of formal families, which could make them start wondering where their fathers are, and how come there are kids who have a father while they don't. They don't know any other family than the big weird one they are growing among.

I often wonder if they are aware of what's going on here, or if they are really living their lives ignoring that in some part of the world, the only women who really loved them are raising their children...

This is something that drives me nuts! If I think that it could be that they just felt that night they wanted to have fun, I feel the pain making my heart explode, but if I think that I could lose my kids if that is not the answer, that they were driven by real feelings, but that they only couldn't stay with us for reasons that aren't difficult to understand when you know what Sainthood is like, I like to believe that it's so, that they just never loved us, because if it is so, they might want the children, and not their mothers, and my heart can't afford losing its angels, even because they are the only part of their father that has ever been mine…always if it actually is mine.

However, I like to believe that these children who are all our world are only the fruit of a series of coincidences; the results of their mothers' cycles that adapted themselves to the same rhythm, which is very common when women live under strict contact for a while, and of a night when the Aegean wine, the ouzo, the beautiful ethnic music, the sirtaki, the celebration of the victory on Hades and the ending of the works to reconstruct the Sanctuary area, made all of us tipsy, bold, and thoughtless; unconscious of the consequences that our actions could have on our futures; however, my mind feels that that's not it...

He wasn't himself when he pushed me down on the sand, that night at the beach, where he had lured me with sweet words and burning gazes, and took hold of me, of my body, sweetly and savagely; the same way he had taken my heart.

I can't believe that he really meant all of the love words that came out of his mouth, between moans of pleasure. I don't want to. If he had really loved me, and then left me without any pity, there must have been a real reason, and I don't feel I want to know it. Maybe it is something that he couldn't explain; maybe he just wasn't supposed to create himself a family, a relationship, or whatever. I may understand that. Later that night, he brought me to his house and kept making love to me the whole night. I couldn't dare to talk. I was like in a state of Limbo. He could do anything he wanted to me. I was his doll. I loved him so much, and I wanted him badly, and it was difficult to define all the kind of sensations and emotions that were so new to me...Amore, love, was the only word I could pronounce, ...Ti amo, I love you, the only phrase I could say among broken gasps of ecstasy.

When I woke up the next morning, the only thing I found was a note on my pillow with burning words on it, and a red rose that was now between the pages of the book I was reading. Maybe it is the sight of it that makes everything come to my mind again, maybe not, maybe is the beach, and the balmy weather that made come to my mind the memory of that night. I still shiver if I think at every single detail: his scent, his taste, the sensation of his body pressed to mine…the sensation of having him inside of me…the pain…the pleasure… How will I ever be able to forget?

He had been everything to me. He was my world, my love, my life, the first man to touch me ever, he was my first thought in the morning when I woke up, and the last one when I would go to sleep, and then my kids, Yehoshua especially, who look so much like him. No, maybe it was not the rose...

If he has never loved me, though, I refuse to believe that he would dare playing with my feelings. A Saint of Athena brings joy and peace, not pain and heartbreaking. If he never loved me, this must mean that he was driven from a will that wasn't his own will that night! Probably, our brief relationship was meant just to produce those kids. This thought becomes stronger when I think that we all got pregnant that night. And all of us were sent away after that, and left alone from the men we loved. Well, except for Marin.

**Next Chapter: '' Children in Love** ''

Chapter Two: Children in love…

Yehoshua's voice made me shudder and come back to reality. We were on our way back to the mansion, and he was singing the lullaby I usually sing at night to make him and his sister sleep. It was a medieval Italian lullaby that I loved. My kids can speak my language very well. I wanted them to. They also could speak Greek, or understand it without speaking, and of course, English. What bothers me, though, is that they use it to communicate to each other, when they are actually supposed to speak Greek. I keep saying to myself not to worry, that they will learn just like others before them. All right, I'll let them do it. They have got plenty of time to learn different languages, and they will have to. I just want them to be kids as much as they can.

" Are you tired baby?" I said. He would never sing that song unless he is tired. " No Shaina, I was just thinking..." He said in a grown up attitude that made me smile all the times he would bring it up, " thinking of what?" I said giggling a little," tonight you have that party to go to..." I had forgotten about that. The students of the college where each of us teaches a class where having an end-of-semester's party, and they absolutely wanted us to go, " Oh! Yehoshua, I had forgotten about the party. Oh! What would I do without my little man?" I ruffled his hair saying so," I don't want you to wear stuff like this, all right?" He let out. I burst out laughing. I was wearing a short sleeveless beach dress, and probably he thought it was indecent…He was so much like his father…

The funniest thing about my son was that he was jealous of me. He would get mad if men would look at me, and he was really fussy about what I should or I shouldn't wear, " Oh sorry my Lord!!! I will wear a nun's habit, what do you think?" He stayed very serious and said to me," Don't make fun of me Shaina! Since I don't have a daddy I have to be the one to protect you!" I froze at those words. He had never talked about having a father with me...I didn't know what to answer, I was unprepared, so I behaved like nothing and laughed at his attitude, which was surprising, considered the age. However, it hurt…

Michaela was waiting for us at the front door, and her brother just jumped on her hugging her hard. She screamed of happiness," Where have you been??? I missed you!" she said ruffling her brother's her in a big sister way sort of, " Sorry Micko, we were at the beach and thought that you would be long with Marin in the city." I said to her while she jumped in my arms.

They are so cute together. Yehoshua is dark like his father, and he looks totally like him except for his eyes, which are green like mine. Michaela is totally like me in her features, but she is totally her father in her colors: brown hair, crimson eyes, and dark skin. They both are tall and lean. They are really beautiful kids.

I wonder what would he do when and if he would know about them. I think that his children are far more mature than him. Probably he wouldn't know how to handle the situation; just the same way he wasn't able to handle the situation with me. I'd rather keep going like this. I find relief in seeing that the so little time we spent together wasn't a total mistake if it gave me those angels.

The kids went on to the playroom with the others, and as I turned I saw Marin standing at one of the windows at the second floor that you could see from the first, since the ceiling was open. She seemed thoughtful. I went up the stairs and went to stand by her," What's the matter Marin? What are you staring at?" she was serious," Somebody is coming here, Shaina."

I waited for more explanation," And? They come every month, what are you scared of? At least you don't have to fear that Aiolia will bring the kids away!"

Aiolia was the only one to know about the kids. He helped Marin giving birth to theirs. They were still together, and he would come once a month to see them. They were a really beautiful family. He didn't want Marin to accept this assignment in the beginning, but when you are a Saint of Athena, you cannot be picky about certain things. The rule is: if you don't want to suffer for missing your family, you just don't create yourself one! That's it! Which was the reason why they weren't married. But they were together. That's real love: poor me that I keep trying to justify Seiya. Look at those two. Aiolia prefers to come every month to see them, maybe even disobeying Athena, but he comes.

His kids call him Aiolia. As I said, they, too, don't understand the concept of father. They are surrounded from a reality where the father doesn't exist: there are a lot of people around them, all of whom just love them so much. I wonder if they realize the concept of biological mother. They are only used to this guy. Aiolia is very private, and so is Marin. They don't smooch in front of the kids, so it is easy for the kids to accept his presence. He just comes as often as the other gold Saints, and they see him as they see the others.

Andreas treats him like his buddy, while Eleni is just in love with him. She probably feels much more the blood tie. I am not saying that Andreas doesn't, but girls are different. The Cabbala, the holy book of the Hebrews, who are numerous around here, says," God counts women's tears." It means that women understand the world better than men, so they cry more often, just like little Eleni when her father leaves, " Aiolia mou, agape mou", says the little girl sobbing desperately..." Min figis makria, tha miliso ellinka!!! Tha miliso ellinika!!" " Don't go away, Aiolia, my love, I'll speak Greek for you!!" Since she thinks that the fact that her father is always scolding her because she doesn't speak Greek but English, is the reason why he is always going away. Kids can't understand adults' reasons…not even our kids, even though they are special…Aiolia surely suffers for this, and this is another thing that worries me: why shouldn't Aiolia put the situation straight with his children? Does it mean that they are not supposed to understand that him, as their father, is different from the other Gold Saints?

Marin doesn't want to talk about this, which makes me fear even more that I am worrying about something real. Our life is tough even now that the sun is back. The darkness has been defeated, but for how long?

Evil is something that you can't erase forever from the world. It's part of the world, you can smother it for a while, but it might come back, and you never know when, you have to learn to live with it. It's like having a ferocious beast in your house: you can feed it and put it on a chain to calm it down, but the wild nature will come back very soon, with its thirst for blood and fight...and the chain might break for the numerous attempts of the beast to escape. So it works for evil...

" No, Shaina; this time one of them is coming." Said Marin looking thoughtful. I flinched at those words. My heart was bashing wildly. "Well," I said," If Seiya finds out about the kids, I bet that it will be another good reason for him to escape from me!" I let out with a fake giggle. I had been back to Greece a lot of times after the kids were born, and I had been there even when I was four months pregnant. Nobody could tell anything, my figure was thin anyway. I gave birth to my kids at the 6th month of pregnancy, and the doctor thought it was an abortion, since my belly looked like a barely four month pregnant. Of course Seiya hadn't realized anything when he saw me! When I saw him again after only three months that I had left, I felt the children shuddering in my womb. However, I didn't dare saying anything…

Next Chapter "The worst day…"

Chapter three: The worst day…

Our last conversation about our relationship had been that morning, after our night together. I remember hearing the calling bells, and I woke up, then I found his note on the pillow…

Good morning, love.

You where so beautiful while asleep that I didn't dare

waking you up.

It's been wonderful to make you mine. I'll keep your scent on me. I want you to do the same. I'll see you again

at the temple. Until then….

And then the red rose. He was so passionate in the way he would look at me that night, and the words he had written…

But I had no time now to analyze his behavior. He had left me alone with no pity.

I will never forget the pain that morning, when after having heard Athena's recall I threw myself out of bed and got my clothes on in a hurry to run to see what was going on in the main temple, where the bells were made rang. I didn't take a shower: I didn't want to lose his scent on me, just like he had asked me to do.

When I got to the temple, Athena was sitting on her throne. In the beginning I had thought she only wanted us to assist a speech about what would have been our mission like from now on, probably receive new duties. I knew that the wars had taken a lot of valiant Saints who needed to be replaced now, but I didn't think that we girls would have had the toughest part!

In the crowd, I couldn't spot Seiya right away, and in the meantime June had joined me. " I have a bad feeling Shaina." She told me." What can be so bad by now June? Don't be silly!" I said smiling to ensure her and patting her back. "Well," she replied," Let's see which are the news, then"

I was trying to look casual, but inside, I felt the same as June.

" I made you come here, my faithful Saint," Saori begun," first of all to thank you for all of your support and to tell you that I feel that we have a great army to count on. However, I know that we cannot say that the piece is going to last forever. Evil is always there. We can smother it and stop it for a while, but the human nature is impure, and there is always something bad that can happen in a moment or another. There is always going to be somebody who will have a powerful Cosmo and that is going to want more and more. There are always going to be people who will want to use their powers to reach the absolute power; there are always going to be people who are going to follow the easiest way to fame and glory.

Those people we have to be able to fight. Bringing evil on this Earth is easy. It's enough only to call him, and he will be there for us. Evil spirits don't have anything to lose by dealing with human beings, and they will do everything you want to get your soul. They will give you power, strength, and whatever you think it takes to you to make you similar to a God.

On the other hand, good spirits are difficult to deal with human beings. They have to lose by having to do with you, so it's difficult to get the same power from them. You need to work hard at it. You need a mind far away from wicked thoughts. You need to expand your Cosmo through pain and hard training, through meditation and concentration, through love and respect for any being, through sobriety and pure mind.

These are the people that Athena needs. And I need to give some of you, my proud Saints, the assignment to find those people."

June and me stared at each other for a moment. June said swiftly," I knew it." And I replied, "come on, this doesn't mean anything."

"Ophiucus Shaina, Aquila Marin, Camaleon June" called Athena, in a solemn tone. June looked frightened for a moment, whilst I just wasn't getting what was going on, or maybe, my heart didn't want to get it…In the meantime, Marin had already approached the throne, and kneeled down before the Goddess, sometimes looking behind her, maybe to see why June and me were taking so long. Finally, we managed to break the crowd and advance toward the Goddess. I could feel the veins in my head pulsing like they were about to explode. I didn't dare taking a look around to spot Seiya: where was he?

We kneeled by Marin, and Saori came toward us with an encouraging smile on her lips, like the one doctors give you when they want to make you believe that you don't have anything serious, whilst instead you do have a damned cancer. She stroke our faces freed from the masks at last, in a mother's way sort of, and said," I am about to give you the most important assignment of the ones I have scheduled for other members of my militia. Ophiucus Shaina, Aquila Marin, Camaleon June, you three will be the ones to search for the new Saints: I am in your hands, and I have total faith that you will succeed in this mission. You have my total trust: You will be allowed to proceed as you like with your mission. Once you'll be send in the place that I'll choose as a head quarter for you, you'll have total freedom of action. I don't have anything to worry about: I know you will do the best job in the name of Justice.

You will find these people, you will make sure they get the education they need in our special schools, you'll train them, you'll be their masters for the first period, then you will take them to the Sanctuary, where they will develop the last stadium of the Cosmo they need to get whatever cloth will be the right one for them, and then they will be sent to get that cloth wherever this cloth will be located, and to do that, they will be supervised and trained from the Saint who will locate the cloth for them."

None of us could manage to do or say anything but keep the head down, and I can swear I felt my friends' pain and anguish after Saori had spoken. Yes, it was just like when you go to the doctor knowing inside of you that you have a bad disease, but hoping that it could be only your imagination…it was then that, after I had managed to lift my head up to confirm the acceptance of my destiny to my Goddess, I saw him. He was standing with the others by the first pillar at the left of the altar, and he was staring at me with no expression…I couldn't keep my eyes off him: a whole mix of emotions was raising inside of me, but the one I knew very well, the one that I had sworn never to feel again, that one was the strongest: anger. I had to work hard swallowing the tears that came to my eyes…

I tried not to show any kind of reaction, but I stayed serious and composed, and while my friends, pale in the face, still couldn't manage to raise their eyes to the altar, I averted my gaze from Seiya, and lowered my head again in front of Athena, while she kept talking,

" The ones whom you will refer to, during the period you'll be away," Saori continued, " are going to be the Gold Saints, who will visit you regularly in the place you will be moved, and you and them together will judge whether or not the new aspirant saints are going to be ready. In addition, you will be coming to Greece at least every three months to refer directly to me, and to possibly bring to me the kids you will believe are going to be ready for the last training period in Sanctuary before getting their cloths."

I vaguely heard talking, chatting, laughing, all around us. The veins in my head were pumping wildly, and all of the sounds around me would arrive to my ears muffled by the buzzing in my brain. " Now, my faithful priestesses, swear that you will put all of your effort in this search for new Saints. I just want you to know that the future of Athena's defense force is in your hands. Say that you will do anything, and in the shortest time you can, to bring our military back to the ancient splendor."

Then, after a moment of silence, Saori directed toward June, " Camaleon June, do you swear to do all that I asked you, with no reservations, with faith, with the joy of serving your Goddess?" June raised her head to stare in her eyes," I do." was the only thing she said, then Saori directed toward Marin," Aquila Marin, do you swear?" Marin, still keeping her head down, replied," I do, my Goddess." I was defeated…what could I do? All of the significant moments of my relationship with Seiya slid before my eyes, and then, dissolved… leaving me alone and empty…conscious that in a way or another, it was over…" Do you swear, Ophiucus Shaina?" I raised my eyes at that recall, and stared in hers. She averted her gaze for a moment, I could swear that she felt all of the hatred in my heart, and I could swear it frightened her. " I do, my Goddess." Was the only thing I could reply, in the shame I felt of myself for having doubts about serving my own Goddess, and for seeing her like a rival, like a vulgar human being…Of course, there was a human component in her that screamed to be expressed, but I couldn't put her at the same level I would put any other woman. She was a Goddess anyway: human or not, and I couldn't afford fighting her, not once again, not now that I had found the right way, not now that I had the chance to redeem myself and my dark past.

She smiled at the three of us, trying not to look at me in my eyes, which were still staring at her like to dig in her human component, and trying to find out whether or not all of this was part of a plan. Probably she hadn't counted that, in my womb, Seiya's children where already taking shape, and that after only six months, they would be rolling victorious in the sun…I hadn't counted that either. But they were the only winners in the whole story. I was the loser; I would always be a loser with Seiya, and that hurts. It hurts so much that I would like to stick a blade in my chest and tear my heart off not to feel this pain anymore…

" Good," replied Saori smiling with satisfaction," I'll see you in my apartments tonight to discuss the details of the mission. You may raise and go by now." She blessed us with her scepter, and without another word, after having bowed and kissed her hand; we stepped away while Saori called other Saints to give them other assignments…

I ran toward the beach, leaving Marin and June behind without any explanation. I let myself fall down onto the sand and started to cry desperately. I don't know how long I let my pain lose like that, but when I had settled a little bit, I felt a presence behind me. I turned and saw him, standing on the rocks that summoned the site where the night before we had made love for the first time in our lives. The sight of the whole scene was about to make me fall fainted.

Seiya stayed there without moving, so I went toward the rocks, tears still glimmering in my eyes, " How long you have been knowing this??!!!" I yelled at him," How long?!!! Answer!!!! Bastardo!!!" He came toward me," Don't talk to me like that Shaina! I didn't know anything about it until this morning!" " Oh! Sure!! That's why you looked so surprised in the hall…you were pulling your hair off for the pain, right?" I cried out with anger," Don't say that Shaina, I had just known it a few minutes before you came into the hall, Saori had begun her speech when you weren't there yet, and I knew about the assignment, and before that, she had called me and my brothers to let us know about it, and that you girls could have been the ones to go. Shaina, I think that it is something safer for you. I don't like the idea of seeing you into battle, I want to know that you are safe and sound." I glowered at him at those words.

" How can you say that???" I spat," How can you be such a machos??!! I am a Saint, just like the others, just like you!!! I fought for my cloth; I spat blood everyday of my life! Do you think that there are easier cloths for women??? How can you talk like that!!! I have been wearing a mask every day, under the burning sun, and let me tell you: no damned man can ever understand what it means!! How can you!!! Tell me that you just want to get rid of me, tell me!!! I'd rather knowing the truth than all of this stupid lies meant to make the medicine sweeter!!!! I don't need that!! I can get over you! Did you hear me?? I can get over you!!" I cried out loud, running away, but he reached me and threw me down in the sand and started to kiss me…

Tears rolling down his cheeks," Let go of me!" I cried as he held me tight against him, but it didn't last long…I was defeated; his frenzied lips were eating me... I don't know how long we stayed like that…his kisses were so good, and this time they had the bitter taste of the anguish of losing my loved one…when you know that you are losing the one you love, is like time stops, and nothing around you makes sense anymore. There is nothing that can make you feel better other than him holding you against his body, kissing you, caressing you, and murmuring love words to your ear…

However, I liked to believe that he was a damned asshole. I didn't want to accept that we were being separated by reasons that went over our own will. I was still so young to understand. I wasn't ready to get that there are reasons that go beyond your will, and you can't do anything to stop them…" You bastard!" I kept saying between wild kisses," I love you, you damned bastard!" He let go of me for a while. " Stop it Shaina!!!" He yelled at me," What do you think??!! Do you think that last night I was just having fun? Is that what you think? Do you think I am capable of that? Nobody said that Sainthood is easy!!! We both know that! I thought that you were the best one to understand this! You are a Saint! How can you give me the fault of something that doesn't depend on me!!! I love you! You crazy one! " He cried hugging me again.

I stayed like that for a minute, then I said," if it is true, then come with me!" He stared at me in the eyes with a dazed look," You know that I can't! Shaina, how can you ask me this? It's not about us, now, it's about our mission of Saints: we have to be able to follow the orders. Our first aim is to protect Athena and the world…and I want you to be safe, Shaina, I don't want to see you into battles anymore. I don't want you to risk your life anymore." I went mad at those words," So, now everything is straight! That was your aim!" I yelled," You knew that sending me in this mission was the only way to keep me away from battles and wars, so you figured that it was better not to complain with Saori about it, that's why you didn't say anything to her to stop her from letting me go! Listen to me Seiya Kido: until there is going to be one ounce of life in this body of mine, nothing will stop me from fighting! And more important," I said," Nothing will stop me from giving my life for you!!!" I spat angrily, in tears." I know," he said," that's why I know I am dangerous for you…I want you to go Shaina." This time his tone was quiet, calm, and I realized that now it was really over…I couldn't do nothing but gaze at him angrily, while my chest was throbbing with pain, and I realized that he had really done nothing to stop Saori from sending me away, that he wanted me to go, for whatever reason…and I realized that there was nothing I could do anymore. I ran away, and that was the end.

I went to see Saori that night. Marin and June where over there already. They both were hurting, I knew it, and I felt the pain as I entered the hall. But I felt June suffering like me, while Marin's soul was quieter. Today I know it is because of the fact that Aiolia and her never stopped seeing each other. We discussed the last details of the mission. We were going to be transferred in this strategic site on the Atlantic coast between North America and Canada, not far from where Ursa Minor Geki had been trained, and here, kids found from other Saints whom Athena gave this other assignment would have been brought from all over the two Americas, Alaska, Canada, and all of the islands included, like Jamaica, Bermuda, Caribbean's islands, and we would have had to spot their cosmos, and see if they were capable to face the training and everything else right away. After this, we would have had to get the kids in the special school to be educated, and then, start their training. The rest was clear.

The area we were about to be transferred to was the Graude Foundation's head quarter that kept under control that part of the world. Of course, there were little ones all over the globe, but this one was one of the major ones, and it was in a strategic point that was central respect to the range of distance of the countries that we where scanning. The other one was Tokyo, and there they would take all of the kids all over Asia, Oceania, and part of the ex soviet union, and then there was Greece. Of course, the Atlantic one was the one that was uncovered, and the girls and me had to be the pioneers. The other thing was that probably we were going to deal with kids from all over the world, since we knew that Canada and America counted a humongous number of immigrants from all over the planet, and there would have been for sure a lot of kids of immigrants who didn't make it, who would join us… I asked to leave as soon as I could. The others looked at me," Yes," I said," I want to leave as soon as I can, even tonight if it is possible" I said to Saori, who was looking uncertain and seemed uncomfortable with my rush. Probably she felt what was going on.

" As you want, Shaina. Do you guys agree with her?" She said then to the others. They nodded, and placed their hands on mine.

Next Chapter "A life so changed…"

Chapter Five: A stranger on the shore…

I am walking on a distant shore, a shore that was difficult to find, just like the courage to face what I felt would have been a shot in my heart. I didn't have to walk a lot. I could spot the training camp very easily from this cliff. There were two women: one with long red hair, and another one that looked like an Aztecan, or a Maya to me. They hadn't noticed my presence, but one of the kids, a little girl, turned to look toward me.

They seemed to be taking a break, and the sight reminded me of my training days. At any rate, I didn't dare going closer, because I didn't want them to notice me. The little girl seemed to try to leave the camp without being noticed; furtively, and eventually she made it. I saw her approaching me, and I could feel the bashing of my heart going faster and faster. I tried to leave before she could even get closer, but she ran toward me, and when she was at a distance that wouldn't require her to scream to be heard from me, she said," Don't worry, stranger! I won't say anybody that you were spying us!"

I turned toward the girl, and I can swear my heart stopped beating for a minute! She was amazingly beautiful: dark and slender, she looked older than the age I had thought she was…an age that scared me…a number of years that was too significant to me…I couldn't dare saying anything but I kept admiring her…A scene came to my mind in that moment: a scene of my past, when I was a kid in training….

…" Oh, hi bunny, what's up are you lost?" come here…

" OH! Look at that! The brave and strong saint of Athena gets moved by the sight of a bunny!"…

…" You aren't supposed to be here! Don't you know that it is forbidden to access the girls' training camp?"….

…" You are bleeding! Let me take care of it!"…

The sight of the girl…her features…she was…." Did I scare you?" She said, " No honey! You didn't." I replied. She was looking at me like she was surprised, too. I squat before her, and I couldn't do anything but stroking her cheek, while I was feeling my eyes filling up with tears.

She did the same to me, it was weird…she stroked my face, my hair, passing her little hands on my eyes, my nose, my mouth…" Yehoshua…" She murmured. " What?" I said. She didn't reply anything, but she took my hand and squeezed it…I could only watch mesmerized at her beautiful face, at the delicate features I knew too well, at the weird way of approaching me, like she knew me, like she had been waiting for me…I heard somebody calling," Michaela!" and the girl seemed to come back to reality…she suddenly left me, " Is that your name?" I said. She didn't answer anything, but ran away. When she was half way to the training site, she turned toward me and smiled…that was it.

Next Chapter "Silent... Sad Little Girl"

Chapter Six: Silent…sad little girl…

…Federica approached me while I was discussing with June the details of the next steps to take with the kids of the second year of training, I had noticed Michaela being silent the whole night, and she hadn't even eaten much, which was surprising coming from her…" May I have a word with you for a second, Shaina?" " Of course," I replied, and stepped away from the girls a little, since she had made the gesture of asking me to follow her. " What's up, Federica?" She looked worried a little bit, then she begun," Shaina, I hope you won't get mad at me because of this," I couldn't understand the point," See, today, while we were on a break at the training camp, I realized that Michaela wasn't with the other kids…" I got scared, especially after having seen her so silent tonight, I looked at her over Federica's shoulder. She was sitting on the couch in the TV room, and wasn't really watching TV. She had her head down, and looked lost in thoughts…a rather unusual thing for her, who was usually very noisy and active.

" What do you mean, Federica? The kids are not allowed to leave the camp for any reason! Part of your job is to keep an eye on them!" I started to raise my voice, but I felt bad all of a sudden, as I saw the poor girl blushing and lowering her head," I am so sorry, Shaina…really…!" I knew that it was difficult to keep an eye on these kids…It was difficult also for me, and it was also difficult to keep an eye on me when I was a little girl in training, but my anger was due to all of the talking with Marin and the thoughts of the night before…I tried to recompose myself and change my tone with Federica," I am sorry Federica: I am just being a little nervous these days…it's not your fault. I know how difficult is having to do with kids…sorry" I said patting her shoulder," By the way," I added, " What happened, then?"

"Well," the girl continued," She stayed away for a few minutes, and then, when I called her, she came right away from up the cliff that surrounds the beach. I got mad at her, and I said that she scared the hell out of me, and I gave her to do extra push-ups as a punishment. She accepted without another word…Later on, one of the older kids who where in the other camp up on the cliff, told me that she had been talking to a stranger for a little bit, somebody who had been watching our training for a while, but the boy couldn't give us any description of the guy." I shivered at those words…I knew that the areas where the kids' lives took place were watched night and day from special computerized systems as well as guards whose job was to warn us if anything unusual would happen, and I knew that nobody could pass unobserved under the alarm system…I thought it could be one of the Gold Saints who had the job of checking the kids every month…but why hiding? No, it must have been something else…" Don't worry, Federica, I'll take care of this situation, all right?" She seemed to find relief in hearing me speaking with a gentler tone," Ok, Shaina…I am sorry…" " Oh! I am sorry to have yelled at you." I replied," I know how tough kids can be…you may go now, I'll speak to Michaela." I said, and directed toward the TV room decided to have my daughter giving me a very good explanation…

I sat by her, without speaking for a while. She didn't move, or talk, I started to fear something bad, but I tried to stay quiet. Then she began," Mamma…" I flinched: she never used to call me that, unless she was very sick or tired, but she wasn't: I could tell," Yes, honey…" I didn't feel like starting the scolding speech I had prepared for her…I felt she was about to tell me what was going on," Mamma," she continued, I sighed and smiled," If I had a daddy, do you think he would look like Yehoshua?" I was shocked!

Until these last two days, I had thought that my kids didn't feel the need of a father, that they didn't even had a picture of what having a father was like…I realized only now how wrong I was. Yehoshua yesterday, and then Michaela now, and this stranger she had been talking to… I could feel trouble. Something was getting out of my control. How stupid I had been, thinking that I could protect myself from the kids' need of a father… how stupid could I be to think that this stupid Amazon's Island game would last long…Kids are made out of a man and a woman: there is no way we can change that. There is no way that the other part of their blood is not going to cry out to be recognized one day…

Michaela stayed to watch me waiting for an answer, I could read anxiety in her pretty face, then I begun, defeated once again," Yes, honey…your daddy would look like Yehoshua, and also like you…" All my anticipation to know who the man she had been speaking to had vanished: I didn't want to think, I didn't want to hear, I didn't want to know…" Go to bed, Michaela. Mamma has some work to finish." I kissed her goodnight, and without another word she went on to her room. She didn't even ask me to sing her the lullaby…she didn't even ask for her brother, who was playing with the other kids. I went to solicit them to go to bed, too, and once they had all gone, escorted by our students, I let myself fall onto the couch, and started to cry. " Shaina, what's wrong?" Freya asked. The others approached, too. I didn't feel like scaring them, and I said," Sorry girls, I am just stressed out. I need a little walk." I went outside hoping that they would believe me, but I knew they didn't.

I was lost in thoughts while walking in the huge garden. If Seiya was really coming here, what was pushing him? Had anyone of the Gold Saints who come here to check on the kids spoken? That is not possible…Maybe Saori did? I can't believe that. She had promised not to…although she has always said that, at one time or another, when the kids are going to be ready to go to Greece, there is not going to be a way that the fathers won't recognize them…But I had always felt that we still had time for that…I couldn't think that the time was getting shorter…I didn't want to.

I had seen him last time 5 months ago, when I went to Greece for the three months report. I didn't see him every time I would go there, though, since he kept dividing himself between Greece and Japan. He tried to talk to me several times, but I was always trying to avoid him, especially the first time I got back, when I was pregnant: I didn't want to create that situation in which he might find something out. I was scared of his reaction: men always believe that women like to bear kids to fix any kind of problem, but I wasn't like that, and I didn't want him to think that I was trying to play around with him only to have him.

Whatever he had felt for me, he had put straight that he didn't want to continue, and given me all the kinds of explanations, like that he was dangerous for me, he wanted me to be safe: fat bullshit! How about Aiolia and Marin, then? Could you say that Aiolia behaves selfishly because he stays with Marin even though he knows that he might die in a battle and leave her alone? I don't understand this! Love is made of a lot of things, and death is part of life, but if we don't live our love, if we don't leave a trace that we have been alive, then it means that we were never alive! If he thought that breaking up would have made me feel better if he was to die, he was badly mistaken!!! I don't need to have him in my bed to love him!

You know, when you love somebody the way I love Seiya, you realize after a while, that the only fact that that person is happy, is enough for you. It comes a time, when the love you feel for that person is bigger than the need you feel for that person, and then you realize that you really love that person. You get into a kind of Zen consciousness that makes you realize that if you love that person, the way for you to be happy is no longer being with that person, but knowing that that person is happy. Once I read in a book," If you really love a person, set her free: if that person comes back to you, then she is going to be yours forever, but if that person will never come back to you, than it means that she has never been yours…"

I knew that, and that's what I did: I left Seiya free. When I saw him in Greece, I found him happy with his brothers and with his sister, always jolly and cheerful, always smiling with that beautiful smile that my son, his son, had picked up so well, and I said to myself that he didn't need me…all I had left then was my kids… and the memory of that night…

Next Chapter "The call of the blood…"

Chapter Seven: The call of the blood…

I am lying on the bed, trying to put together all the happenings of the day. When I came, this morning, I didn't give my Saint ID at the reception of the hotel. I don't want anybody to know I am here. The information might spread, and I could make a mess. The day after tomorrow I have to go back to Greece. I made everybody believe that I was going to take a little time off. Nobody is convinced, though. I never do this. I am waiting for him to join me, to give him the latest news. I am dying to talk to someone of the Gold Saints and make him spill everything, and I am dying to tell my brothers what is really going on here. But the Gold Saints don't have any obligation to do this. How about Aiolia? Gee! I am going crazy. I can't really get mad at anyone anyway: when you are a saint of Athena, you cannot mess with certain things…maybe nobody is supposed to talk…this is a tough life…only now I realize how tough!

When the Holy War ended, I was so upset in seeing Miho and Shaina both pining for me. Saori is a virgin Goddess. I often wonder what I had really felt for her. Indeed it was a special relationship between the two of us, but I have been wondering for long time if it wasn't my sense of sacrifice toward my Goddess who would make me be so close to her. Once I read a passage in the Bible that Hyoga lent me, a part that talks about the last supper of Jesus. It said something like, "Jesus was sitting at the table, and his favorite disciple, John, the one he loved most, was resting on his shoulder…"

I always thought of how tender that part was…how much these people must have loved their God? Everybody else, who doesn't have a clue of the Christian beliefs, might think that it could be a…gay…scene! But instead, I understand perfectly the feeling that John must have had toward Jesus: he loved him with no reserves. Your God comes first: first upon everything. It's up to him to decide whether or not we are going to be happy in the underworld, whether or not we are going to live forever in the light. It's up to him to redeem the world; and the love you feel for him is immense, and your feelings don't have anything to do with attraction or sexuality: only love…a love that goes beyond the human needs…but people who look at it from the outside, and don't belong to the same God, won't understand this.

Pretty much this was the way I felt for Saori, but it was difficult for people to understand it. It was different than what they thought I felt. And there was no sex, or attraction in the way I loved her, but I do like if I can 'rest my head on her shoulder'. Just like John with Jesus…but then again: people from the outside don't understand. They will never. I wonder if Shaina ever did.

Miho was never really part of my life as a Saint. She only knows Seiya. She has never really seen me into battle, into my struggle to defend Athena and the world. The only time she has seen me as a Saint was during the Galactic War, but that was the most shameful part of my Sainthood: All the pain, the struggle, the sacrifice, the effort that becoming a saint require, insulted by a vulgar Gladiator Competition! Saori was too young to recognize that, though, and even if at that time I hated her for this, now I realized that she didn't have any other choice to find somebody who deserved the Sagittarius cloth. How young we all were…

Miho hasn't seen me, though, during the real wars…even though I felt that she did understand I was in a real danger. But she was certainly part of my life anyway: we were raised together, and I surely loved her, but I also felt that it was more of a brotherly love. I knew, at that time, that whatever would happen between us, nothing could take her really away from me. No fights, or resentments could last so long with a person you are grown with, and with whom you are always been close, even being so far away. Just like a brother and a sister. Miho didn't even ask me, when I got back, to be with me. She didn't even hint at the possibility. She knew…It's like with my siblings: I can fight with them, I can avoid talking to them for months, but then, the affection we feel for each other always takes over any fight. That's what happens with Miho: nothing will take her away from me. And nothing will take me away from her…It's the same with Saori

However, I always knew it wasn't the same with Shaina. I knew that she was easy to be taken away from me: a jerky attitude coming from my immaturity, the thought I could be with another woman…whatever makes you break up with somebody, which wouldn't make me break up with Miho or Saori forever, could separate me and Shaina, though. And it happened. She never took the shot that I had wanted her to go to that mission. She never understood that, if something bad would happen to her, I would go mad…She ran away from me, and she never came back. She barely talked to me the times she came back to Greece to report, and she raised a wall around her that frightened me: if frightened me at a point that I never managed to come here, even only to see Marin. I preferred to wait for her when she would come for the three months reports to spend some time with her. She would never talk about Shaina, and I would never talk about her. I have to admit I was terribly proud.

I miss Shaina…I do…I have never managed to tell her…I have never managed to be brave enough to break her wall…I have never managed to be with another woman…I wasn't really interested in that anyway. I am not the kind of person who goes searching for a situation with girls…I don't have the imperious needs that other men might have…I mean, I do have them, but still, after five years, they are all toward Shaina…The first woman I slept with…the only woman…I will never forget her soft touch, her scent, her beauty…that passionate beauty, so Mediterranean…almost aggressive in her perfection…the feeling of sleeping on her chest, of sucking at her breasts had brought me back to memories buried in the profundities of my soul, probably at when I was being cuddled by my mother…And now, who is the little girl who looks exactly like Shaina?

A knock on the door made me come back to reality. " Come in," I said. The door opened," You shouldn't let people in your room without knowing who they are!" He said. " I had felt your Cosmo, you silly!!!" I threw a pillow to him. He laid on the other bed…" I was relieved in seeing one of my brothers. "So, did you find out something?" he said. "The only thing I saw today was the training camp." I said. " Where they there?" he replied, fixing the ceiling. Without looking at me. " No, but there where two girls training some kids. They must be their students." I said, then I added," Where are the others?" "Well," he went on," Ikki was sent to Norway to get a little boy that is said to have a powerful Cosmo, and Hyoga thought to join him. Shiryu is in China. He said he needed to see his Master about this… Seiya, tell me that this is all a bad dream!"

" It's not, brother! I believe it's not! Today I saw something…" He stared at me; he seemed a little frightened. I continued," A little girl. She looked to be eight or something more, but I feel she was younger. And there was something…" " What?" he interrupted me," She looked just like Shaina!" Nobody talked for a little while, nor me or him. Then he begun," Seiya, I never asked you what started this anxiety of coming here and your decision after five years to talk to Shaina. I mean: you could have talked to her back in Greece. I just don't understand you!" He said to me, and then I answered," What brought you to the decision to look for June again?" He didn't talk. Then he begun," I felt something lately…I can't explain…it was clearly a Cosmo…" " So?" I said," After the holy war we haven't been doing anything but spotting Cosmos…what did this one that you felt have so different?"

" Something, Seiya…something that felt like June's but it wasn't, I knew that…" He said," it was two Cosmos, different ones, but that felt the same…they felt like kind of June's Cosmo, and kind of…mine! Together! It was weird…it's like they were calling me in a weird language…a mind one, that I can't translate…my instinct told me to find out. I have been trying to work out the thing by concentrating my Cosmo to figure out what it was, but there was like a wall: something that wouldn't allow anything to penetrate it. It was the first time since I had reached the seventh sense that something was impenetrable for me, and I want to find out what it is."

" How can I blame you? I felt the same thing…Shun; I feel it's not good if we break in here like this, though. We have to try to work it out calmly. I don't know what's going on, but I don't want to create a mess. Everything started because we wanted to have our girls back, and now we find out that they are hiding something here…I don't feel like breaking in there. I just want to figure out what is going on, but I won't talk to Shaina until she comes to Greece next month…what do you think?" " I agree Seiya, let's take it easy, we'll get to the truth." He answered. And then, without saying another word, we both fell asleep. I knew how things had worked for Shun and June: the same as me with Shaina. The difference, though, was that they had stayed friends…well, I mean, not like they used to be, but they would talk when she would come to Greece, and they had met several times in missions to fetch aspirant saints somewhere. Of course she was very laconic about her life here, by saying that it was nothing different than the life she used to lead on Andromeda Island: training, studying, sobriety, a quiet and boring place; nothing that anyone would be eager to visit. None of us had ever come here to the head quarter. Everybody was uncomfortable with the barrier that the girls had created around themselves.

Freya and Shunrei had totally disappeared. Freya didn't have any reason for keeping the touch with Greece. Hilda was, but there where other reasons. Hilda and Saori where long time friends, but Freya never met Saori until the Asgard battle. Maybe in this way it was better for Hyoga: knowing that she could be around at one time or another would surely make him think about coming back to her, so as to suffer, knowing that it was better to leave the girl alone. He said to us, the night we talked about it," It is better for her. Every love, even the deepest, I believe, can be gotten over. And once this happens, it is easier to accept if the person you once loved has to die. Freya knows it, because she had been through that with Hagen, already. As people say," Far from the eyes, far from the heart."

But I don't know how real that is. Hyoga would never show his feelings anyway, which makes me wonder whether or not he suffers more than any of us.

About Shunrei, I knew that she would go to visit Docko, but she would make sure that Shiryu wasn't around: she was damned mad at him. She couldn't make out why she had been left like that. Poor Shiryu: I am the one who knows his pain…He keeps saying that he will never find another woman. He says he has had his woman, and there is no one like her for him, that he doesn't need anybody else.

He had always been frustrated with Shunrei, because he loved her, but he didn't want to hurt her: he didn't want her to believe that he could be hers forever, because he actually wasn't: he was Athena's, and if something would happen to him, he didn't want to leave a widow. How silly we all are: we have thought that leaving the women we loved was enough for them not to suffer if we die…Stupid, that's what we are! Nobody stops loving another person only because he doesn't have that person around. It was only our selfishness and our blindness that could make us believe the same thing.

Ikki has been scolding us the whole time. We don't really talk about our private business to each other, but he had understood that that night we had been sleeping with the girls. He couldn't make out why, if we knew that we were to leave them anyway, we did something like that. " You are Saints!" he yelled," What makes a man different than a beast is the consciousness of recognizing when an action can be done or not!!! And what makes a Saint different than any other man, is the same thing, only multiplied by a thousand fucking times!!!!" He was so right! I will never forgive myself, and I will never forgive Shaina! I will never forgive her for being so beautiful, for being so damned sexy that night, for kissing me like only her could do it, for making me discover the pleasure of the flesh, for cuddling me against her body, for letting me make her a woman…for letting me become a man…

I played with my pendant that I had attached to a black leather necklace. It was all I had from that night…I would look at it every once in a while, and I would hold it in my hands when I felt lonely…I never explained to whoever would ask me what was in that tiny little glass cruet. Half an inch of sand…some sand that was special to me…coming from a site that was the simulacrum of that time in my life when I felt alive beyond any limit… a reliquary of my lost love.

Next Chapter "A Painful Memory"

Chapter Eight: A painful memory…

I came to sleep close to my kids. I feel lonely tonight, and scared. I am hugging both of them from Michaela's side, because Yehoshua sleeps by the wall, and I can't enter that spot. How good my babies smell…how soft their skin is…their peaceful breathing rocks me, and slowly makes me slide into the land of dreams…

Slowly, the breathing of my kids seems to change into a different rumor…it becomes louder, it seems to go back and forth, like the bashing of waves on a shore…and I realize that I am on a shore! I am not holding my kids against me…it's him! Again! My body hurts, but it's delighted…my intimacy hurts, too…He stayed like that…inside of me…and we both had gone to sleep, tired from the wild wave of passion that had just taken us. I am stroking his hair, kissing his forehead, enjoying his fragrance, the weight of his body on mine, the pressure of him inside of me…

Be quite wind, stop blowing Aeolus,

because my love is resting....

Sleep, my love...don't care about the waves that bash on the shore,

nor about the wild air, that blows on your ringleted head

sleep on my breast, sleep in my body...

and you, too , mischievous Sea, go to sleep, don't you upset his rest...

God of the sweet breezes, take your child's hand, calm him down. Sing a sweet lullaby for him, and sing one for this love of mine, too...

Make it caress him; caress his brown skin, his coal-like curls, just like my clawed hands, who can't stop stroking his head. Just like my voice, who can't stop murmuring a melody of the land I was born in: a song that he is not able to translate...Just like my lips, which won't leave his forehead...

Sleep my child, sleep my honey, sleep my love, and sleep my man:

Tonight I'm your lover and your mother,

your bride and your sister,

your friend and your slave

Tonight love, passion, and divinity become one whole thing....

I wake up crying. When will this dream leave me alone? How can I forget about him if I keep dreaming of him every night? Leave me alone! Stop thrusting this blade in my heart. When will the memory of that night leave my mind?

Kisses stroke my face, accompanied from little giggles…soft little hands go through my hair. " Shaina! Shaina! Wake up! We have school!" I suddenly awoke once again. This time the sun is filtering through the Venetian window. Yehoshua and Michaela are staring at me amused, and already totally dressed. " So! Who is the lazy one now?" Yehoshua giggled together with his sister. I smiled and stretched," Who got you dressed?" I said. " Alex did!" Our students were so good. They treated us like we where their mothers also…A lot of them came from very difficult backgrounds…There was Jocelyn, a Brazilian girl, who told me that she had to escape from her country because her father wanted her to become a prostitute to support the family…Roberta, a Colombian-American, whose father had left her and her mother in total poverty, bringing with him all of his money, to go to live with another woman. He had also had a daughter with her, and guess what? He had called her Roberta, too!!! Can you imagine? He wanted so badly to bury his former family that he had given to the other woman's daughter the same name that was of his first daughter…

Whenever I felt depressed, sad, or I felt any kind of negative feeling, I would go to the admission archive, and fetch out all of their files, and I would read their stories over and over, and I would realize how lucky I was: a luck that I didn't deserve! Those girls where as clean as flowers…nobody had a past as dreadful as mine…however, reading those files would give me strength to go ahead…

The kids where ready to go to class, and said to me," Are you going to be home when we come back?" I answered," I am sorry kids, but today I have training a little earlier, because the girls have class at 7 tonight. I'll be here by that time, ok?" " OK!" They both answered, then, after having kissed me they walked away…

Next Chapter Blood and Tears

On a Distant Shore

A painful memory…

I came to sleep close to my kids. I feel lonely tonight, and scared. I am hugging both of them from Michaela's side, because Yehoshua sleeps by the wall, and I can't enter that spot. How good my babies smell…how soft their skin is…their peaceful breathing rocks me, and slowly makes me slide into the land of dreams…

Slowly, the breathing of my kids seems to change into a different rumor…it becomes louder, it seems to go back and forth, like the bashing of waves on a shore…and I realize that I am on a shore! I am not holding my kids against me…it's him! Again! My body hurts, but it's delighted…my intimacy hurts, too…He stayed like that…inside of me…and we both had gone to sleep, tired from the wild wave of passion that had just taken us. I am stroking his hair, kissing his forehead, enjoying his fragrance, the weight of his body on mine, the pressure of him inside of me…

Be quite wind, stop blowing Aeolus,

because my love is resting....

Sleep, my love...don't care about the waves that bash on the shore,

nor about the wild air, that blows on your ringleted head

sleep on my breast, sleep in my body...

and you, too , mischievous Sea, go to sleep, don't you upset his rest...

God of the sweet breezes, take your child's hand, calm him down. Sing a sweet lullaby for him, and sing one for this love of mine, too...

Make it caress him; caress his brown skin, his coal-like curls, just like my clawed hands, who can't stop stroking his head. Just like my voice, who can't stop murmuring a melody of the land I was born in: a song that he is not able to translate...Just like my lips, which won't leave his forehead...

Sleep my child, sleep my honey, sleep my love, and sleep my man:

Tonight I'm your lover and your mother,

your bride and your sister,

your friend and your slave

Tonight love, passion, and divinity become one whole thing....

I wake up crying. When will this dream leave me alone? How can I forget about him if I keep dreaming of him every night? Leave me alone! Stop thrusting this blade in my heart. When will the memory of that night leave my mind?

Kisses stroke my face, accompanied from little giggles…soft little hands go through my hair. " Shaina! Shaina! Wake up! We have school!" I suddenly awoke once again. This time the sun is filtering through the Venetian window. Yehoshua and Michaela are staring at me amused, and already totally dressed. " So! Who is the lazy one now?" Yehoshua giggled together with his sister. I smiled and stretched," Who got you dressed?" I said. " Alex did!" Our students were so good. They treated us like we where their mothers also…A lot of them came from very difficult backgrounds…There was Jocelyn, a Brazilian girl, who told me that she had to escape from her country because her father wanted her to become a prostitute to support the family…Roberta, a Colombian-American, whose father had left her and her mother in total poverty, bringing with him all of his money, to go to live with another woman. He had also had a daughter with her, and guess what? He had called her Roberta, too!!! Can you imagine? He wanted so badly to bury his former family that he had given to the other woman's daughter the same name that was of his first daughter…

Whenever I felt depressed, sad, or I felt any kind of negative feeling, I would go to the admission archive, and fetch out all of their files, and I would read their stories over and over, and I would realize how lucky I was: a luck that I didn't deserve! Those girls where as clean as flowers…nobody had a past as dreadful as mine…however, reading those files would give me strength to go ahead…

The kids where ready to go to class, and said to me," Are you going to be home when we come back?" I answered," I am sorry kids, but today I have training a little earlier, because the girls have class at 7 tonight. I'll be here by that time, ok?" " OK!" They both answered, then, after having kissed me they walked away…

Next Chapter Blood and Tears

Chapter Nine: Blood and tears…

I am walking along the shore…I want to see the little girl again…I have been back to the same place. I finally find her. She is alone…she is staring at the horizon…it's the sunset…All of a sudden, the sunset leaves place to the night…I walk toward the girl. As I am walking, it looks to me like she is getting bigger. I first think that it's a trick of the distance that separates us, but as I get closer, I realize that she is not the same size she was when I saw her first. As I get closer, it seems to me like her body takes the shape of the body of a grown woman…it seems to me like the color of her hair changes from dark brown, kind of like mine, to a darker color, until it gets totally black. It falls down her back like a wavy cascade…I reach her and grab her shoulders. She turns to me: now she is Shaina! She is crying! I hug her hard; while tears of joy fall down my cheeks…but she leaves me…she pushes me away…In the moonlight, I recognize the site…this is not the shore where I have seen the little girl: this is the shore where we made love first… how did we get back here?

The milky shade of the moon discovers Shaina's pale skin…but something is wrong with her…I see her hands: a dark liquid seems to flow over them… I recognize it very well: blood. I take her hands in mine, and I realize that she is bleeding badly. She is crying desperately. I try to figure out where she is bleeding from…after a little while; I realize that a pool of blood lies under our feet. The moonlight gets lighter, and I realize that blood flows down her legs. She keeps them half parted, allowing the blood to drip down…now she is sobbing like a little girl. I hug her, not knowing what to do…I want to do something to stop this heavy bleeding…it scares me to death…I can actually hear it dripping noisily on the ground…" My love! Did I do this to you? Is it my fault?" I manage to say…she leaves me…she is still crying, but she is quieter now…like she is used to that now…"Don't go away" I say crying desperately myself," Don't go, love! I'll heal you! I won't leave you alone. Don't go away! I won't hurt you again! Allow me to cuddle you…allow me to heal you" She frowns at me like a little child when he is mad at you, "I don't want to be cuddled now! It's too late! Look at how much blood I have lost already!" She says to me…I run toward her to grab her. How can she be so silly! Her bleeding could kill her! I'll reach her and I'll have her taken care of…I won't leave her alone…I am there! I am almost grabbing her…here!

The alarm clock rings aloud and I wake up in a pool of sweat. It was a dream... a nightmare actually. What did it mean? I am puzzled as a sense of nausea fills the pit of my stomach. I run to the bathroom and throw up. " You okay bro?" Shun is standing at the door, and looks at me with a worried expression, then begins," Seiya, you don't have to reduce yourself like this…I thought I was the emotional one. AH! AH! Instead you know what? I feel calm, and I know that whatever all of this fuss is going to bring us, what can we do? We have suffered too much in life to allow ourselves to fall for something like this. We only want to talk again to the girls. What are we going to do? Are we going to kill ourselves if they say they don't want to know anything about us? So what? We have been living without them by our side all of this time: we'll get over it…" He is sitting on the tub now, and I am listening silently by keeping my head down on the toilet bowl, and he is patting my back. " Why are you so scared?" He asks me. " What makes you think I am scared?" I say. He laughs," Come on bro! You are shitting in your pants at the thought of having to talk to Shaina!"

Only now I realize how right he is…the truth is, maybe he is soother that I am because he has always been more mature than I am. Maybe he is able to accept the consequences of his actions better than me. Maybe I am scared that Shaina won't 'worship' me anymore? Maybe I need girls to die for me to feel alive? NO!! It's not that. I hate to admit it, but the sight of that little girl got to me… Why did she call me Yehoshua? The nausea comes back, and I vomit again.

A justified lie…

Today I took the morning off at school. I feel so guilty I lied to my kids…I am decided, though, to scan the area and find out who the stranger who talked to Michaela was. I need to know.

Next Chapter "Scanning the Camp"

Chapter Ten: Scanning the camp…

The campus seems to be clean. Seems like nobody is around. I walk toward one of the guards' offices, decided to have an explanation on how can anybody pass unobserved under our protection system. Unfortunately there is only one answer to my question, but I don't even want to analyze the possibility. I know that Aiolia is supposed to come these days, but he wouldn't hide like this…

The scolded guards keep their eyes down while I am yelling at them to give me an explanation. "These kids aren't common kids!" I yell at them, "You have to understand that they need to be watched in any single move!! There might be a lot of people interested in harming us! The kids have to be safe!!!" I know that I am being unfair to them, just as I was with Federica last night, but I have to find a way to relinquish my fear, and as the coward that I am, I'd rather blaming on innocent people a fault they don't really have, rather than having the guts to open my eyes and realize that maybe times are changing…

One of the guards looks up at me shyly, and says," You know, My Lady, we know this, but I swear that the cameras have been checked out the whole day, as usual…I swear to God nobody noticed anything strange. I don't know how this happened, even because, how far could your daughter go without her absence being noticed? The camp was definitely under control."

"Well," I said, "then why don't you show me the recording of the moment Michaela left the group? If the cameras have been on the whole time, and the camp was watched, we should have a tape that shows what happened!" " Well," the guards' chief begun, "here is the oddness of it, we have the recording, but in the point when you can see Michaela climbing up the little cliff, it gets disturbed, like there is no signal anymore, and all you can see it's a blank screen." "What??!!" I yell," You mean that the damned camera stops working right in that moment?" "Yes," the guard said, "I know it's weird, but that is what really happened…you can control if you want to…" he says lowering his gaze again. I decide that I'd be better off keeping my self control, and check out the video. All I can spot is Michaela looking up the cliff while the other kids are talking animatedly, and then I see her staring curiously at a point up there. Last thing I see is my daughter leaving the group and trying to climb up the cliff. The video gets blank when she is only starting her climb, and then it stays blank for like 15 minutes, to come back at the point when Federica punishes her by giving her extra push-ups. I owe an apology to the guards, but instead I keep scolding them," Well, from now on, if anything like this happens again, I want you to get your ass out of here and go check the camera that's not working. If something happens to the kids, you are dead!"

My God! I haven't talked like this in years. What is happening to me? I decide that I can't wait a month to go to Greece. I'll wait for Aiolia to come here, and then I'll leave the kids in his hands and in Marin's, and I'll go and talk to Saori.

Next Chapter "Outsiders… "

Chapter Eleven: Outsiders…

We can't flare our Cosmo to spot what's going on in the campus, and who is in and who is out, because at that point, the girls would probably feel our presence, and then it would be a problem. I wonder whether or not these people ever get out of here. The Campus covers an area even larger than the Sanctuary area. There is every single thing in there; therefore, there is actually no need to get out other than for a pleasure trip…Shun calls it Area 51, in the attempt to be funny, comparing it to a military area in America that is strictly prohibit to anybody other than military and internal workers, and all of these people don't like to talk about it.

The campus of the Graude Foundation's Atlantic district is still a mystery to a lot of Saints, except for the Gold Saints, who aren't allowed to talk about it. I never could spill a word out of Aiolia or Marin or any other of the Gold Saints. I couldn't even spill anything out of Saori, which has always concerned me: Saori never kept a secret to us. Shun thinks that actually, we have never really asked, that is a good reason for her not to explain anything to us. Maybe it's true. However, now I am decided to know more about the life that Shaina and the others have been leading here. Saori said to us that the mission on the Atlantic coast was nothing more than the same stuff we do all over Asia and Oceania and other Saints do all over Europe, so we should just concentrate on our job, while other people involved in other missions do theirs. It was enough to cut us out on that point, but I actually never had the guts to go deeper into the subject…

We are trying to enter the spot we found by the beach, but I stop Shun, who is about to cross the threshold. I see something from afar…a woman's shape…she is walking along the shore, and the sight of her makes me shiver. I pull Shun behind the rocks, pointing at the woman, and he looks at her. "Keep your Cosmo down bro! It's like a night light!" I say to him. I see the shape becoming closer, and I recognize her. She is wearing cream Capri pants, and a navy blue T-shirt a little tight with a V-neck that underlines the shape of her full breasts. Her hips are full and sensual, even though her body is tall and slender…I recognize her: beautiful as ever! Walking along the shore by keeping her sneakers in her hands…the light wind moves her hair, which as grown longer and wavy almost to her buttocks…she hasn't noticed us. I would like to just jump off this rock and go squeeze her in my arms…Shun makes me come back to reality," Brother: you won't solve your love troubles if you let the head you have in your pants think in place of the one you have on your neck!"

I smile a little, half dazed by her sight, "I know bro…it' s only one month…she'll come to Greece, and I'll get to her" I manage to say, half wondering if I would have really been able to keep myself calm if Shun wouldn't have been here…

Next Chapter Symphony of Cosmos…

Chapter Twelve: Symphony of Cosmos...

There is no way I am going to get something out of anybody here…not even out of the damned cameras…I'll have to talk to Michaela and ask her firmly about her encounter on the beach…I can keep it any longer to myself…this story is driving me crazy! I realize that I have been looking for answers the whole day…leaving my students this morning with a lot of work to do and all by themselves. It had never happened before…I am really getting trapped into this story…I am really starting to believe that the guy Michaela spoke to might be…. NO!!! IT CAN'T BE!!!!

It's three o'clock, and the kids are about to come here on the beach for the training with the girls. I'll be here waiting for them. At least I'll make them a nice surprise: they don't expect to see me here, and I feel rather guilty about having lied to them by saying I was busy today when I had already decided to take the day off. I sit on the shore, letting the water licking my feet. It's funny how, when you are far from home, you look at the sea and trace and imaginary route back to your country like you can get there swimming, or flying on imaginary wings… here I am: behind this sea, behind the horizon, there is the French coast, then you move down…the Alps…then my Italy…then you see the "heel of the boot"…you pass it…then there is Corfu…then fly a little more…here is Athens…land…. the Pireo Port…catch the boat…. Sanctuary Island….

It's easy, isn't it? It's a little tougher when my mind flies to Japan…a little longer…but eventually I make it…

I start feeling little voices coming from the back, and then girls' voices screaming, "Come here you guys! You aren't allowed to run away!!" I smile ready to greet the kids. They recognize me from afar, and Michaela runs toward me," SHAINA!!!! SHAINA!!!!" She jumps in my arms so hard that I fall in the sand with her on top of me. One after another, all the kids imitate her, starting from Yehoshua. "OK! OK! You won guys!!" I scream laughing and kissing them. "We didn't think to see you before tonight! Are you staying? Are you staying? Please?" Yehoshua asks me in an excited tone. Alexandra says, giggling, "Maybe if you stay they will avoid running away…" her words make me come back to the reason why I was there, and I decide to stay…

See, my love for my kids is so strong, that their sight makes me forget everything else. And so is my love for my friends and students. You know, when you don't have anything for sure in life, you start cherishing all that you have, even if only a pin. I have my friends, my students, and most of all my kids, together with the other kids, which I love anyway…see, when your emotional life is full of crap, you start understanding that maybe other things in life are more important, and then you get into an consciousness of independence that makes you feel strong whatever happens. I could survive my flop with Seiya, so I can survive anything. I can manage to have fun, to laugh, to truly enjoy my life, to be amusing to my friends and students.

After you pass what I have been passing through, you learn that maybe a real love will never been forgotten, like I will never forget Seiya, but you learn how to live with your failure. I wake up in the morning and I say to myself, "Good morning Seiya, I hope this day would be full of joy for you, wherever you are!" Love is when you manage to love a person on the other side of the world…love is when you see that person and don't show you are in pain because you don't want him to feel guilty…love is when you manage to look in your children's faces seeing his face and still you manage to stay quiet…love is when your feelings never change, only thing that really changes is your way to handle them…love is when you accept that you aren't loved back and still manage to have positive thoughts about him…

I can even manage to admire other guys' looks now.

Of course, they are never as beautiful as Seiya to me, but it's OK. Nobody will ever take my heart, and so what? Do I need a man for my life to be fulfilled? My life is just fine. I do what I always wanted to do; only it's going better than I thought…that's it. I have my man. I found him long ago…it didn't work out, but that's another story. He is my man and I don't want anybody else!

"Shaina!!" Yells Yehoshua, "Watch what we can do!" He and Michaela engage a randori:

a kind of fight encounter…the art that has been introduced to them first, when they were three years old was the Aikido, which is a kind of martial art that doesn't require any strength to be performed, since you use the power of your adversary, and at the same time the power of the Ki, your inside energy, which is kind of like the Cosmo, only lighter, and the benefits of the abdominal breathing, together with techniques of relaxation like yoga, meditation and stuff like that. It makes your body grow harmoniously, and it's especially suited for women and kids. Of course, gradually the kids will be introduced to most hard ways of fighting, but for now this is great.

My kids face each other in this fight that looks more like a dance…they are amazing: dressed up in white Kimonos and black akamas meant to hide the movements of their legs, so that the adversary can't say what is going to happen next… somersaulting, jumping, moving on their little legs in the Kamae position, which is the basic position of Aikido, without losing it once, breathing like they where taught to do. Slowly, I feel their Cosmo growing excited in their friendly but firm fight. It's breathless. They take silent turns in attacking each other; like they are communicating with their minds…their Cosmos are a harmonic blend, like the music of a harp and a flute, combined together in an exotic crescendo…they seem like they are flying, in that structured confusion of kodegeshis and iriminages…they show me all of the techniques they know, and one at the time, all the other kids join the fight, harmoniously…silently…everybody fights for himself…everybody is the brother, everybody is the adversary…they face each other with a smile that is at the same time loving and spiteful…they look older than they really are. They read each other's minds, they concentrate to feel each other's Ki…I look at them, and then I close my eyes to feel the delight of their young, growing Cosmos, that merge to create a unique symphony…These are our children…the children of Athena.

Next Chapter Behind the rocks…

Chapter Thirteen: Behind the Rocks...

Me and Shun are watching breathlessly at the scene before our eyes…the little girl I met yesterday ran on toward Shaina and hugged her, followed from a bunch of other kids…It's been tough not to flare my Cosmo to feel her…She called her Shaina, which in a way gives me a relief, and in another makes me feel uneasy…why?

It's not that we are really close, so we can't really take a look at the other kids, nor at the girls…it seems to me that the only one we know is Shaina, while the other two look like the ones I saw yesterday training the kids. Now I am looking at those children…amazed… they are wearing Aikido suits: white kimono and black akama pants. They engage a perfect fight. It looks like a dance…I would like to spot their cosmos, but I can't flare mine…

Three of them are blond, while the other are all the shades from the blue-black to the light brown to end up with a light reddish-dark blond of a little girl. I watch at them mesmerized…the little girl I saw yesterday has a spirit! All of them do… wish I could see them from closer…

" Brother! It's not safe to stay here." Shun warns me. I know he is right, but I can't keep my eyes off those kids…they are engaging a randori that is a piece of art! Shaina is now sitting in the sand with her legs crossed, from this distance, it seems to me like she has her eyes closed, maybe to feel the children's cosmos…I wish I could do it, too!

Shun is less passionate than I am, and it is a providence that I have him with me, otherwise I might want to jump off this rocks and go there… "Brother, there is nothing we could do now," he continues, "let's go back…we'll find a way!" I reluctantly follow him. He grabs my arm to lead me away like I were a naughty kid who needs his mother to be discouraged from doing something bad…I realize that Shun is right. There is nothing for us here right now. Only the pain to realize that their lives went really on without us…that's what I feel, by the selfish bastard that I am…

Next Chapter: Call of Child

Chapter Fourteen: Call of child…

I am lying in my bed but I can't sleep…my eyes are heavy, but my heart is tumultuous. Shun is sleeping already. Tomorrow we have to go back to Greece…Of course we couldn't teleport ourselves here, otherwise everybody could feel our presence, so we had to catch a plane…we have the flight back tomorrow night…

At a certain point, something gets to me! In the beginning I had thought it was a dream…like the other night, but I am awake now, and I still can feel it…it's back…it's like a call…somebody is calling me, again…the same call that pushed me to come here, the same call that pushed Shun…the call that we felt one night, and that we decided was coming from here…maybe from the girls, we don't know, that's why we want to find out.... I am not hearing my name, but I feel I am being called…I am not flaring my Cosmo, so how could I possibly feel somebody else's? I don't really know if it's a Cosmo or not, but what it's sure is that it's calling me!!! What can it are…Shun is still sleeping, so I guess this time I am the only one to feel it. I decide to go and find out! I am not waking Shun up…I don't want him to stop me again…It's the first time I feel it in these two days I have been here…I have to go!

I am walking outside like I was drunk. I am not using my Cosmo, but still I can feel the call…I am walking along the seaside now, right where the hotel is…the call comes from afar, though…As I follow it, I realize that I am directing toward the Graude Campus, and I wonder whether or not it comes from there…I hope so, and at the same time I am scared!

As I get close to the campus, the feeling takes the shape of a sound…as I get closer, the sound takes the shape of a voice…and then the voice splits in two …two children's voices…I don't know if it's a Cosmo, but how could I feel it? The voices are singing…singing something that sounds like a lullaby…a lullaby that tells the kids not to worry, because they are being told a night time story where there won't be monsters, or witches to upset their minds, so when the night will come, they won't have anything to fear…there won't be monsters, or unknown creatures, so that even the darkest night won't scare them…

My mind is still being rocked by this sound that I don't realize I am on the campus's beach! I got here like in a state of hypnosis…I crossed the fence, and to do that I only have to concentrate the necessary to stop the video alarm system. It doesn't need my Cosmo to do it! I start walking on the shore. It's night, but it's quite warm, considered the climate here! The moon is huge and bright, and there are fireflies all around me. Even here it's late spring…I didn't think that this place would know the warm season…it's not Greece, of course, but it's surprising anyway…it seems like there are a lot of things that I need to learn, doesn't it!

It's kind of scary, though…it looks like the night in my dream…it looks like the night I spent with Shaina…the sound is very clear now… it fills me up with joy, though…and anxiety…I walk a little more…impatient…knowing that behind those rocks lies the source of that sound…

I cross the rock, and right on the seashore, I can spot two little figures holding hands…I go closer…the sound comes from there…one of them leaves the other, and comes toward me…the darkness is fighting against the moonlight, and their battle manages to create light tricks that don't allow me to see clearly the figure that is coming toward me…the other one stays on the seashore, looking at his companion from beyond his shoulder, turning his back to me.

He stays in the same position as the other left him…the little figure comes toward me…it's close now…I recognize her clearly…her hair shine in the moon shade…her expression serene. She knew I would answer this time…the sound of her young voice is uncomfortable with the confidence of her serious gaze on me. Her beautiful lips curl in a small smile, I don't even have the strength to talk, not even to cry. Any reaction couldn't be explaining what I feel right now…" I knew you were coming…I knew one day you would come here" she says, then she turns to the other figure, which is now approaching me as well, and says, "Look at him, Yehoshua!" Yehoshua! It's the name she had called me yesterday…

I go down on my knees…the boy takes slow steps toward me. Finally, the moonlight illuminates his face. For a minute, I think my heart is going to stop. The boy looks at me very seriously. He is examining me…I take their hands, and squeeze them in mine…if it wasn't for his eyes, which I cannot spot whether they are green or blue, but surely they are light, the boy could be a clone of me!!!

I don't know how long the three of us stay like this…staring at each other…the little girl seems about to cry, but she doesn't, while the boy is fascinated by me, but I can feel he is too proud for that…I feel my tongue paralyzed! All of my members are, except for my hands, that cannot stop holding theirs, tightly…the little girl begins, " Can…. can…can…" I caress her face, incapable to find anywhere the force to ease her words, and hoping that my gesture will help her to smother the fear that has taken her. I feel so ashamed of myself…leaving her alone in the attempt of finding a channel between us… "Can we…" she continues, "Can we…hug you?"

I can't hold back…I try not to scare the kids, but tears stream down my face without me being capable to control them…I take both of them in my arms, and they cuddle comfortably against my chest, while my tears soak their little heads…I hold them tightly, kissing their foreheads, and caressing their backs, their arms, their little legs…rocking them back and forth…covering their faces with kisses…enjoying their scent, which is capable to bring me back to buried memories of my infancy, and which also reminds me of a scent I remember too well, and this time not from my childhood…Who are these children? I know who they are! I know it now! Only I still don't have the guts to pronounce those words…not even to myself…

Next Chapter The watcher

Chapter Fifthteen: The watcher

I knew it! I knew that I had felt something…Seiya, how could you think to fool me? You are still a little boy, aren't you? Did you really think that only hiding your Cosmo you could hope not to be recognized by me?

There was only Shaina left here who could feel you the way I did, even without you flaring your Cosmo…only people who really love you can have that kind of feeling, but her heart and mind are locked in a protective cocoon that she has created for herself in the attempt of making the pain for the disillusion she had with you vanish…

It's very popular, when you are hurt, that your mind creates a barrier to take at a distance the source of your pain, that is what Shaina did…but I didn't…I was luckier.

I knew the kids were up to something tonight…and I have silently and secretly helped their project…they don't know I followed them…I wasn't totally sure of what they were meaning to do. These children have a way to communicate that is only theirs. My children communicate in a way that I can't get to understand also, and all the ten of them communicate with each other the same way…they have this powerful mind bond that I have never experienced before…maybe Seiya did with his brothers, who knows. I have never wondered about it until me and my friends had these children…

The kids asked us to camp again in the TV room, and I have been struggling to get the others' permission, because I knew Yehoshua and Michaela were meaning to "escape" tonight, and I wanted to understand why…They shared with the other kids, the weird habit of walking in the sleep, which has caused us several problems in the past, since they could walk outside without us realizing it, since we are always exhausted from our long days and fall asleep like rocks at night.

Fortunately, the guards have always managed to get them, and we make sure that they are perfectly trained to deal with kids walking in their sleep…it was easy tonight to fool them…I made sure that they wouldn't alarm themselves when they would see the kids walking outside, and I made sure that Shaina would go to sleep before I would slip swiftly downstairs decided to find out what has taken the kids tonight.

Shunrei and Freya are currently taking the psychology and hypnosis classes at the college, and one night, talking about it, they told me that they are afraid the kids walk in the sleep because they search for their fathers…I have to say that I was afraid about the same thing, even about my kids…they have their father, but they desire badly to have him every day… Who can blame them?

My angel, I miss you every single minute! Still, after five years, I haven't managed to get used to see you for one weekend a month…a week every three when we are lucky, and I yet haven't managed to refrain from crying every time you leave…just like our kids, Eleni especially…

I haven't managed to get over your absence for the rest of the time, over the empty space by me in our bed, over sleeping together with our kids, and then move them on the side when they are fully asleep to make love, muffling ourselves in each other's hair, mouth, neck, so as not to wake them up, rocking them at our rhythm, and then pull them by us and cuddle them in our mixed scent…

Looking at the other girls, though, I feel ashamed of my complaints…At least I have you…not enough, but I do…they don't have their men to comfort them, to ease their loneliness when the kids are sick or have a problem…and then the children, who in their silence cry out their need of their fathers, and in their lonely night walks, they search for them, and in their little souls they feel the need of the touch with the other side of their blood…maybe they are too young to connect all these things together, maybe not. They never talk about fathers…

Shaina and the other girls think naively that they don't feel the need of the male presence; that they are used to this big weird family, but I know that's not it… I have had enough quiet in my soul to study the kids' feelings a little more…It was easy for me, who have my man still by my side, and more in love than ever…it is easy for me to want to dig the children's minds to demonstrate that they want their fathers, that they feel them, and that they do it in a mind language that their souls have created to get over the lack…and this language is unknown to their mothers, who they don't want to have to suffer for this…

Sometimes, nevertheless, I wonder whether or not my friends feel the children's weird way to communicate, but they are too scared of losing what they have created for their minds to want to really "hear" it…this peaceful Limbo that has become a realm of independent women…independent Amazons…an independence deserved after all of the suffering…the consciousness of being able to survive a defeat that seemed to be impossible to get over…

This new life for my friends is the trophies of their strength…

Next Chapter "Grief of Father..."

Chapter Sixteen: Grief of a father

I am confused…dazed…empty right now…the children haven't spoken one more word…I have been holding them against me for …how long? A minute? An hour? A month? A lifetime? I don't know… " We have to go now…" That's all they said, " We just wanted to make sure that we weren't dreaming when we felt you…"

I have been totally incapable to reply anything. I am here…lost…I don't know if I should go back or if I should stay…I don't know if to tell Shun or not…All my eagerness to tell my brothers what was going on has vanished…all of the excitement…everything…I don't know why…

" I knew you it was you…" The voice behind me makes me shudder and come back to reality…if it is reality…if it isn't a dream once again…I turn to look at the source of it… "Marin?" She stands with her arms crossed, and a small smile on her lips…

" I knew I would have seen you here sooner or later…" she continues…I run toward her and hug her hard…I go down on my knees, gripping her waist and placing my head on her womb, I start to cry desperately, sobbing like a child…she strokes my hair… allowing me to outburst my pain.

"Seiya," she begins, "You know you have to forget what you saw tonight, right?" I stop crying for a moment, gazing at her with incredulity, "Marin, how can you ask me this?" I manage to say, though the daze of the instant…she leaves me and walks toward the seashore, "Let's take a walk, do you want to?" she says quietly…I am so astounded I don't know what else I could do but following her.

"Marin," I start, "Please tell me what is going on, because I am going to go mad…Those children…" she stops me, "Listen Seiya…Athena gave to me the command of this mission on the Atlantic coast: everybody has to report to me every single thing. She actually asked to all the three of us: me, June and Shaina to be in charge of it, but June and Shaina didn't feel like being taking the responsibility of something so big at that time, in the mental state they found themselves after what happened, so I took it up. Of course they aren't totally submitted to me, but I am the one that technically has the last word on everything, even though we take the decisions all together even with Shunrei and Freya, and we also talk to our students before taking any step. I was the one who was less hurt by the whole situation, so I felt I could be the "pioneer" of the mission."

She stopped for a while, observing the horizon which was gorgeous under the moon shade. I would have liked to hurry her up, but I felt that this time it was just better to wait for her to talk…in fact she continued, " Seiya, whatever the reason why you broke up with Shaina is, it hurt her…you guys decided to leave the girls because you felt that you wanted to 'protect' them from being hurt by your duties as Saints, but let me tell you: when a couple has a problem, the two of them go together to the bottom…or to the top. Do you think that leaving them like that could really make them forget about you? Do you think it is so easy to get over real emotions? It's not! If love is real it doesn't fade, it just changes its shape…Seiya, when I asked Aiolia why he stayed with me, he cited me a quotation he had read somewhere: we are one-winged angels…we need to hold each other to fly, and if one of us leaves the other, then we both fall…Does it make sense to you?"

I wasn't able to maintain her gaze, so I averted mine, and answered, " I guess so…" then she continued, " Seiya, you see…after the girls have seen me and Aiolia remaining together, it has been difficult to them to believe what you guys were claiming…they will always believe that you have played with them, and then you have found the right excuse to dump them."

" Marin," I said, " tell me something now: do you really believe that?" She seemed to be weighing things up for a moment, and then she answered, " No, I don't. But I fully believe that despite your heroic acts, and your sense of duty, and your feelings, which I am sure were genuine, you were still children…It's normal…"

I felt offended…but at the same time I felt she was right. Had I had really been worried about Shaina, or had I had been worried about me, about the possibility of not being able to take such a responsibility on my back, the responsibility to take care of my relationship with my woman?

Marin knew she was right, in fact didn't even bother asking me if I agreed, and I didn't even dare arguing, instead I kept listening…eager to know the rest of the story, eager to know more about the children…

" Seiya," she continued, "this place is our domain. It's the girls' domain. Nobody can enter it without our permission, not even you guys. We have been blessed by Athena to do whatever we believe is right, and we are doing it: we are producing saints! More saints than the Asian or European districts are producing. We have been estimating the possibility of you guys irrupting here; we have discussed it all together with the Goddess, and she decided that everything that concerns you is totally at our discretion, as long as it doesn't bother our work and the harmonious developing of the kids."

At this point I was totally mad: Athena knew and hid everything to us, but I had decided that I couldn't blow up the way I wanted to…I needed Marin badly now, and I didn't want to lose my sensei, even if now anger was filling up my heart, now that the situation was getting clear…

"Seiya…what did you say to Shaina that day? Do you remember? You told her that the fact you were being separated wasn't you guys' fault; that it was about your Saints' duties…well, that's what's about now. You can't let your spirit take over now, because Shaina did what was right; what you have asked for: to leave you because you didn't want to hurt her"

I was about to spit all of my anger, and Marin must have felt it… "Seiya," she said, "what brought you here?"

I paused a little, then I begun, trying to keep myself under control :It wasn't the time to act immaturely "One night, I felt something. I couldn't say what it was …it was not like a Cosmo, it was a weird sensation…It's like I felt somebody calling me… in a queer language…like a mind language…I knew it came from here, from where Shaina was, and it seemed to me that the "thing" I was feeling was coming from her…I had seen her in Greece several times, but she would keep on avoiding me all the time after we broke up, so I was confused about who the call was coming from. Shun felt something like that, too…" I saw Marin shuddering for a moment, and looking a little frightened to me…

" We decided to find out…the call was too powerful, and it was queer that the source of it wasn't using any Cosmo to contact us. Finally, we got here, and tonight I felt the call again…I followed it, and I found myself here, and I realized that the call was coming from those children."

Marin was only listening, looking astonished by my revelation, and then she broke her silence, "Are the others here, too?" She asked me with a nervous expression. "Only Shun, but I guess he hasn't felt anything tonight: he was sleeping deeply when I left." I paused a little, then continued, " Marin… those children…"

She interrupted me, " You have to leave, Seiya!" She said firmly. " You won't be allowed to break in here…what we are doing here is raising children to become Saints. There is a balance that can't be broken!"

I felt my heart explode: I had thought that Marin would help me; instead she was rejecting me… "Marin, how can you ask me this?" I said while tears were filling my eyes again…

"I can't leave now…I have to know…"

She was very harsh at this point, " Seiya, you harvest what you have planted…you could have stayed with Shaina the same way Aiolia stayed with me, but choose the easy way around instead. Whatever the reason, this is the price that you pay…there is only something that I can advice you to do: talk to Shaina next time she'll come to Greece, it's going to be in less than a month, and she'll decide whether or not letting you in…I don't really mind, as long as the children won't have to suffer. Tell her the same things you said to me. I can do nothing for you.

I have the duty to protect this place and the people who live here, and I know I have Athena's blessing."

" Marin," I said crying angrily, " If I would know about the children at that time, I wouldn't have…" "NO!" She spat at me, " That is not an excuse! What are you trying to say is that if Shaina would tell you about them, you would have stayed with her only for the children? That is not fair, Seiya! A woman is not an incubator!!!! She is a woman!! She needs you to stay with her because you love her! Not for a foolish "sense of duty"…We don't need that! We don't need a father or a husband to take care of us! We need the man we love to be with us only for one reason: love! The children are only the fruit of all of it, and in case they are not, then well, we don't need a man! We can cope! That is what Shaina did!"

I felt like I wanted to say so many things, to explain myself, but my tongue was tied…All I could see was my anger…my anger toward Shaina who hid the children from me… "She'll have a lot of things to explain to me Marin!!!" I yell… "And she will!!! She didn't have any right to do this to me!!! She is only a coward! That's what she is! Women give birth to children and they think that that's a good reason for owning them! Tell her when you see her that she is a coward! And that I am waiting for her in Greece!"

My pain was at its climax!!! I couldn't refrain from sobbing aloud, and it was then that I heard her, " She doesn't need to tell me anything, Seiya. She doesn't have to! I am here: talk to me!" She was standing behind us…beautiful as ever. The thoughts that were fighting in my mind were giving me the impression that I was really going nuts… I wanted to tell her how much I loved her…how much I had been longing for her, even though I had never shown it… I wanted her to know that I was proud of her, that she had given birth to the most beautiful children I had ever seen, but the other side of the situation was crying out: my own pride, the pride of a father who has been deprived of the first 5 years of his children…deprived of holding them newborn in his arms…deprived of the possibility to teach them how to talk, or seeing their first steps….

Those children know how to fight already…have a personality of their own…they have called me…when they have been mature enough to do it, and I have been manipulated from them to come here…I love children…I was always very active in the Orphanage with them… I could have made a great father…but now, I am only the curiosity, to them, of knowing who the drop of life who broke their mother's ovule came from…they just needed to feel the touch…they didn't really need me…at least that was what I felt…or was it what Shaina was trying to make me feel, now flaring her Cosmo at me?

"Shaina," Marin begun surprised. "Don't worry, Marin." She interrupted her, " Thanks so much for this…I wouldn't have known how to handle the situation myself. Thanks for opening the door…but it's my job now to go on."

They hugged each other, and Marin gave a last look at me, then added, "Seiya, I hope you will be mature enough now to deal with this…" Then she walked away…It was me and her now…

It was the time to face each other as adults, now…

Chapter XVII: Stabs

We are facing each other now…his beautiful face reflects hatred…disgust…I had forgotten how handsome he looks especially when he is serious…even though it's been only three months since the last time I saw him. When you love somebody, his handsomeness is directly proportional to the impossibility to have him…and he gets always more handsome to me…I don't know how long he has been here, but I can tell he hasn't shaved for at least a week…the dark shade on his face revives in me animal emotions…and at the same time a sense of defeat: His beauty is not for me: who has you now, my love? He knows now…the wall I have been so carefully creating during all these years has broken: it's war time once again between me and him…only this time the victim won't be anyone of us…this time the victims could be our children, and the other children, if he should go to his brothers and tell them everything. I have to forbid my temper to come out now…I can't let the fear take me…I have to be calm and handle the situation maturely, in order to keep this place safe…

"Why are you flaring your Cosmo at me?" He asks me in a tone I never thought could come out of somebody like him: always cheerful…happy…easygoing…. What did I do to your smile, love of mine? I didn't want to create you any dilemma, and instead I killed your beautiful attitude…

"I knew…I felt you were the man who spoke to Michaela…" I manage to declare…I would like to create a channel between us, but instead I feel an enormous ravine is about to take shape right under my feet. I love him, but I have to protect my children…I have to protect our oasis…

" I'd like to slap your face! I would like you to feel all of the pain I am feeling right now! If only I could give it to you in this moment I would!!! " He shouts in tears…I am smitten…my knees can hardly manage to make me stand… I would like to stop the warm floating down my cheeks but I can't: this is too much for me…each one of his words is a stab in my heart…I wish I could die!

No…what about my children then? How can I be so selfish? I have to stand…my own self doesn't exist anymore…they are all I have to fight for…

"But… I can't…" he whispers… "I never could…" then he continues… "How? How could you be so phony? How could you manage to come to Greece, and see me, and hide all of this! Six years Shaina!!! Six years!!! Six years you have kept me far from my own children!! WHY?" He grabs my shoulders shouting and crying…I am scared! I had never seen him like this…ever…not even when we were enemies!

I manage to face him…trying to think of all of the pain I felt when we broke up, trying to hate him, in order to get stronger…but I couldn't hate him for so long…will I be able to now? The thought that all this spot me and the others have created for ourselves might be in danger gives me strength, "Let go of me, Seiya…you don't have any right neither on me nor on MY children…It wasn't me the one to leave you; therefore, get over yourself! "

He lets go of me, a look of hatred in his coal like eyes. His gaze melts me…his strong arms make me desire him to hold me with passion, not with anger…but I have to shake this thought out of my mind, "You know it's true! Athena protects us!"

I can't believe myself! I have just been spiteful; bitchy…I just used a tone I had forgotten I was able to use, and my lips curl in a nasty smile against my will. He turns his back to me now; I won for the time being…his hands keeping his head. "When I had to come to Greece for the first time," I begin trying to keep a calm and detached tone, "I was pregnant already…inside of me I hoped that you would feel something…that you would feel our children the way I felt them…but this didn't happen…. you kept joking and chatting with everybody but me…you didn't even give me a second glance when I got there, while they kept rolling happily in my womb the whole time…I thought that was you for me, and I said to myself that if you didn't want to know anything about me, how could you want to know anything about the children? I also knew I was expecting twins."

He looks at me with an expression I cannot identify and says, " I would like to say that I understand, but I don't!!! Only thing I know is that from now on I want to be part of their lives! I don't give a damn about what you think and want!" he snaps, " My children want me! They have called me to come here! Their need of me came across the ocean in the shape of a song of sadness… a sadness that I intend to suffocate! With or without your approval!

Now I really feel his childish attitude might come out and he can create the chaos! I grit my teeth and hiss at him, " If you do anything to upset this place, Seiya, you can already start to forget about them! I am telling you: behave yourself! I have Athena's protection: I don't give a shit if you are a fucking hero! To me you are an asshole that got rid of me after having had enough fun, and left me alone with no pity! I kept those children in my womb! I gave birth to them and let me tell you: it wasn't fucking easy! I raised them to be great people and saints, and you I won't allow you to shock them with your immaturity! I don't care if they want you! They don't know yet what is better for them! If you really are bored of your "hero" 's life and want to start playing daddy I AM MAKING THE RULES! YOU AIN'T GOING TO BREAK IN HERE AND RUIN OUR WORK OF 6 YEARS!"

I can't believe what I just said! I can't believe I just attacked the love of my life like a real bitch! In a way, though, I feel relieved…No tears come out of my eyes, my expression is fiery, my breath is short from the yelling…He is suffering: Probably what I always wanted to happen…he needs the children I had thought he would reject, and I have the control! Yes… I am stronger now! In Italy we say, "Not all stabs come to hurt": probably it's true!

I bet he can't believe his ears either…he looks at me with an expression that could be funny if the situation wasn't this serious; then, the last stab: "OK, Shaina" he begins in a viciously ironic tone, "I am fine with that…there won't be any problem …The only problem I am ever going to have with my children is only that you are their mother! I would have rather having had them from a vulgar prostitute, this way at least, this speech so full of your desire to get revenge on me would make more sense!" I feel my heart is about to explode…I realize that nothing between us is recoverable…I have to live with that…

All of a sudden, a blow of warm wind hits us both…and then a light…a warm, reassuring light…the voice comes angelic and maternal to my ears… " Seiya…is this the way you talk to the mother of your children?" The voice says… "Aren't you, as a saint of mine supposed to bring justice, peace and joy? When are you going to stop hurting this woman? I want you to return right now!"

"How can you ask me this?" he starts. The voice continues, " I am not asking you: I am ordering you, as your Goddess, to come back this second! You aren't ready for this right now …you can only be harm to your children…" It wasn't her in the person of Saori…it was she in the person of Athena… "Leave right now!" The voice fades …leaving us alone again….

"It seems like you won," he says without looking at me…I am hurt…terribly…but I find the strength to stand… Seiya: until there will be even an ounce of love for you in this heart of mine, I will never be a winner with you…Until I'll keep seeing you anytime I look at my children…I will never be a winner…. Until my heart will keep thanking you for having given them to me…I will never be a winner…but I still say I won't allow you to break in their lives, nor in mine, nor in anybody's who lives here to make them miserable…

"Shaina! This won't be over tonight!" He says, and stalks away…I would like to answer something…to have the last word on this, but I can't …I let myself fall on the sand and outbreak my pain…

Chapter XVIII: The poison of torment

I let myself fall at my brother's feet…He was out. He knew I had gone somewhere, but somehow, he had realized that maybe it was better to leave me alone. Shun is always like this…he has some special inner power of making you feel comfortable, protected, secure…He had understood that what was about to happen regarded only me. He doesn't say anything, just holds me tight and lets me cry like a baby in his arms…he doesn't even ask…he understands…He doesn't even go there. "Let's go away." He simply says, "I'll take you home." He has heard Saori, too. He has heard her call…. we are going away.

I haven't said a word the whole trip back. Shun hasn't asked anything yet. My world is suspended. I don't want to talk…I don't want to eat…I don't want to sleep…I don't want to think…I just want to lock myself somewhere and never get out! I don't even feel like greeting Saori, who comes toward us like a mother who is about to scold the two kids who just escaped from home…The sun is already hot enough in Greece to melt your brain. My other brothers aren't back yet from their missions…it's better this way…I don't really feel like facing anyone right now. They might ask where we have been…and I don't want to answer…Shun seems to read my mind. "Don't worry: if anyone asks, I'll say that we have taken a little vacation." He says to me. I pat his shoulder, "Thanks." I manage to say. I was expecting Saori to yell at us or something; instead she doesn't say anything else but, "Welcome back. Why don't you go take some rest and then come and see me tomorrow morning?" I would like to yell at her all of my anger for having hidden all of that from me, from everybody, but she is our goddess. We can get mad, we can curse at her, we can swear, but we will be back to her…we need to… we are human beings…we come back to our divinities once we realize that whatever their projects are, there is nothing we can do about it but follow them…being victims of them…being either the forsaken worshippers or the chosen ones, because what divinities want is going to happen, whether we like it or not, but whatever we are, we will suffer…in a way or another, we will suffer…because we are only human beings…maybe me and my brothers are special ones, like Jesus Christ, like Buddha, like Mohamed, but still human beings.

I fall on my bed with my clothes on. I should shower, but instead I feel a kind of inner warmth by cuddling myself in my natural odors in this moment…they make me feel that I am here…alive…that I still can feel something. A nightmare wakes me up…and then I realize that somebody is knocking at the door. I feel Shun. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone… Even though I am pleased about is presence, I don't feel like going to open the door…he must have felt my mental state, and opens it by himself…

"Hey, how are you doing?" He asks. "I don't know." I say…" I don't want to know." Then after a pause of silence where he lays on the bed, by me, I add, "Shun, would you sleep here tonight? Would you keep me company? I don't want to stay alone… please?" He laughs…"Ok baby bro!! And I thought I was the one!!!" I don't reply anything…nothing makes me mad of ashamed of myself…not even wanting somebody to cuddle me like a baby…what the hell is going on??? I feel like I am scared, but I don't know of what…. I just don't want to be alone, like if I was scared of the darkness…maybe I am scared of the darkness…maybe I am scared of the darkness I have inside…

"Listen:" he says to me, " what do you say me and you go someplace to have a little fun?" Even though I would just like to lay and lounge, cuddling myself in the pain I have inside, the idea to be among other people makes me feel a little better…I don't need people that I know…just people…just a lot of people, so that the ghosts I am scared of won't come and take me… "Ok…" I say.

We are sitting in a bar in the village. It's a pretty street right on the shore, full of places like this, where all the tourists come and have fun…this place is so alive…lights, music of every kind, colors, people…I wish I could stay here the whole night…maybe I will…Good thing it is almost summer…in winter there are tourists also, but it's not like this…in winter this village dies…it only becomes a house to shepherds and fishermen…During the winter, the village is a sad kid who cries out his loneliness, but in the summer…in the summer it becomes a beautiful blossom…a beautiful girl who seduces you at night in any possible way, to turn into an innocent virgin during the day, a virgin who pretends she doesn't know you…

We are drinking some stuff…it's alcohol…I mean: I am drinking a lot of it, but Shun doesn't scold me…I love him…he is indeed the sweetest of my brothers. " Do you feel like talking now?" He asks me, and I say, "Only if you get as drunk as I am!" I am really feeling it badly now! I could flare my Cosmo and burn the alcohol effect, but it feels so good just to feel my head spinning, and everything looks better to me, the pain seems lessening, and I want to keep going. " Well, let's put it this way: I'll keep going with this…Bleah stuff and you talk, all right?" He says. I start laughing…laughing hysterically… then I stop, and try to get more serious… "I am a father!" I say half serious and half still giggling, " I am a FATHER!" I shout. Shun looks at me sweetly…he doesn't ask me to stop it…he lets go…I know he thinks that I need to let out what I have inside…he doesn't care if we both can look like idiots, he only thinks about me and my own good, whatever it takes.

"Hey guys!" I shout turning my back to the people in the club, " I am a FATHER!" It's beautiful to be in Greece, people don't think you are an idiot if you behave like this; in fact all of the customers start cheering and ordering more drinks! A choir of congratulations starts coming at my back, as I turn toward the bar to gulp another glass of liquor. The bartender asks, "Boy or girl?" And I answer with an ironic look, " Guess what? BOTH!" And I start laughing again. Shun doesn't say anything. " How is the mother doing?" the bartender asks me again. And I say, "The mother is just fine, my friend! She is the hottest, smartest, bitchyest babe in the world!" I say while gulping more liquor.

Of course nobody gets what I mean…they all think that I am a happy husband who just had two children. The bartender opens another bottle and says to me, " Well, my friend, you'd better have more drinks…in a little while you'll forget what it means to sleep at night!!! And also what it means to go out with your friends!!" He laughs… 'My friend', I would like to say, 'you don't have any idea…I will never know what it means not to sleep at night…I will never hear that cry every three hours, I will never hear their first word…they have already done these things without me…but nobody will know!'…Shun pats my back…he looks sad now, as tears stream down my face… " You all right?" He says, " Do you need to go?" "No, please!! Please Shun, lets stay here…among people, among lights…seeing other people happy makes me feel better…" I manage to say…then he pours more drink for him and me…how dear…he knows I need this moment. I start to giggle stupidly again… " See…Yehoshua looks just like me! Really! He is a clone; if it wasn't for his eyes…His eyes are this deep green…green like his mother, green like the poison she is giving me! Michaela looks just like her…the same beauty…only with my colors…she is beautiful, but I think she looks like me, too, maybe a little…she has to! She is my daughter…she called me…they both called me! They smell so good…they are so soft in my arms…they are big; you know…they are really big…tall…. They love me, I think, but their mother doesn't…she doesn't anymore…she said to stay away from them…but how can I? Can I? I am so good with kids…I love my kids…they are beautiful…they are smart…"

I stop talking as I see Shun staring at me with pain and maybe compassion… " Bro! You don't have to be sorry…I am happy…I am…really…things will work out…you know…they will…I know it…" Shun gaze moves beyond my shoulder…at the entrance of the club. I turn to look at it, too. I must be really drunk…I know I am trashed already, and my stomach is about to explode. My eyesight betrays me, I am sure…it's not possible I am seeing what I am seeing. She has seen us, too…and now she comes toward us. Her look is of worry and reproach. I still can't believe it's her…but she is close now. Shun grabs my shoulder as I move toward her; probably I must have moved in a threatening fashion, but I didn't really mean to…

"Honey!" I say ironically, "what are you doing here? Did you leave the kids alone to come and get me? How thoughtful of you. Are we going home and make them sleep between us? So tomorrow we can play together in the bed…" " You are trashed!" she says dryly… "Oh mommy…you are right! HEY BUDDY!" I say to the bartender, "Isn't this the most beautiful woman you have ever seen?" I say… "You do not want to mess with a woman like this, you know…you'll pay it a lot to lay between her legs!" I don't see her hand…I only feel the slap on my face. Shun grabs me, "Stop it bro! This is really too much!" She is still staring at me…serious, angry… "Yeah sweetheart! I love it when you grit your teeth like that, my little sweet feline!" The bartender must have gotten something by now… Shun understands that this situation might turn really embarrassing, and he pushes me outside…I am too drunk to realize what is happening. I don't see anything anymore…only her mad face.

I hear her voice again, " Shun, don't worry. I'll take care of him" I also hear my brother's voice, " Shaina, he is not in a good mental state, I wouldn't want him to hurt you…" "He won't! Don't worry…I really need to do this. I came all the way from across the Ocean to solve this situation…I can't leave it as it is…" My brother understands…

I don't see him now…it's only me and her…I see her kneeling before me and taking my arm to circle her shoulders…this way she makes me stand, and without another word we step away… I cannot talk…she doesn't either…we get to my house…my stomach is really bothering me now…a strong sense of nausea comes up to my throat… "Don't even think about it!!! Wait we get in and you can run to the bathroom to vomit your eyes out, ok?" She says harshly. Then she reaches down for the keys in my pocket and unlocks the door. She leads me to the bathroom, for I can't really find anything right now, and there take place the effects of my excesses, or of the happenings of these past week…

Chapter XIX: Burning fire

You are just a baby, aren't you? My beloved, beautiful, crazy baby…so now I have three kids instead than two…I didn't mean to hurt you…I wish I could tell you…The time I was hurting people has gone…and you made it go away…Shaina doesn't hurt anymore…not her own people…. Athena is proud of Shaina right now…

He is throwing all his way up. He is terribly drunk…I don't think he has ever get messy like this. I left him in the bathroom to get him some seltzer…he has been there for half an hour. I wonder how much he has been drinking! I bet a lot, though…I direct toward the toilet to have him drinking the seltzer after having put the coffee pot on. That will help his stomach. I am impressed of the coldness I can use here, and the fact I can take care of him like nothing has happened. It's like this is not the house where I slept with him that night…I give it a quick glimpse and I shiver at the sight of the bed…who could say that I would be standing here six years later…maybe at first I had thought I would stay here all of my life, with him, but things didn't work out that way, we all know that. I reach the toilet where he is kneeling before. It seems like his stomach has stopped torturing him. He just stays there with his head lowered. "Drink this. It will help you. I am getting some coffee ready, why don't you wash up your mouth and take a shower?" I manage to say sounding a little like an old harsh nurse. He just nods and I walk out closing the bathroom door behind me.

I hear the water flowing and I take advantage of the moment to take a look at the house. It's surprisingly clean and in perfect order. Nothing has changed, except for some pictures. In one there is him with his brothers on the beach. Another retracts him fishing with Shiryu. Another is he and Marin, in another he has jumped on Aiolia's back, and there are others, too. All of them make me think of his happy moments while I was raising Yehoshua and Michaela and suffering like an animal. Maybe it's a good feeling, maybe I won 't feel so weak by being here whit him …

There is a big painting on the wall on top of the bed that retracts the winged horse and the thirteen stars. There is a dedication: To Seiya, with gratitude, and a name I can't read. I open up is closet, and I start sniffing his clothes: they smell like him…I can't believe what I am doing…his fragrance, a mix of sandal, ylang-ylang, vanilla and other spices, is strong, sweet, and manly at the same time…It makes my cheeks burn. I know I have to get out of here as soon as I can! The water stops flowing, he gets out of the bathroom wearing a navy blue robe. His curls are still dripping water, and that dim veil on his face gives me shivers that warn me to go away. I walk toward the kitchen and pour some coffee to him. He just sits down and takes the cup and doesn't even thank me.

"I am getting your bed ready. I want you to take some sleep and I'll be back tomorrow. We have some talk to do." He doesn't answer. I direct toward the bed and start opening it. I didn't hear him coming to me. At a point I just feel his arms around me, and for a minute I think I'll stop breathing. "Stay here…Stay here with me." He whispers to my year.

"I don't think it's a good idea. You don't realize what you are doing." I answer. My voice broken by the wild beating of my heart…Oh Gods don't make this happen…don't destroy me once again…my legs hardly make me stands as he holds me tight from behind and starts wandering his hands through all my body and kisses my neck with passion…Gods don't make this happen…I feel like a doe trapped by a hunter…I can't say anything… I can't talk…I can't think of anything, I can't breathe…I can't want anything else but him giving me more and more…how long I have been waiting for this? Every time I would come to Greece I would wait for him to come to me and say he was sorry and wrap me in his arms and god knows what else…

He bites my ear now, licks it, going down my neck…he turns me around and I can at last enjoy the feeling of his mouth taking mine…once again…The sensation of his tongue roaming wildly in my mouth, of his frenzied lips…

I should have said no! I should have been tough! I should have ran away, instead I am here, allowing him to tear my dress open, to lay over me so as to eat me better…he bites me…he is getting wilder and wilder…what is this? Love? NO it is not! It's anger! He kisses me and bites me with anger!! I should run away, but how can I? This is so good…

"Don't resist me! Don't!! I won't allow you!" He keeps telling me among irate groans. He holds me so tight I think I'll really choke. He invades me like a Barbary: his mouth doesn't leave mine, except than for going down to suck my breasts so hard that it hurts! …It's too much for me…I am a coward…only a coward…I grip myself around him and let him take me to heaven…he is my love…my man…the only one! The one! When he tears my panties off, I realize that I am about to lose control of anything that is in my power to control! Anything!

When he takes me with a violent thrust that makes me shiver with pain and desire, I cry out madly…a cry made out of longing; longing appeased after six years of sadness, loneliness and frustration, a cry made out of anger; anger for not being able to resist once again…a cry made of passion…all of the passion that I never lost, a cry made of pain; pain that he gives me to remind me he possesses me, that he is stronger than me…that he can do anything he wants to me…I wrap myself around him even more, as he makes me his with violence…he doesn't moan with pleasure, he groans with fury…I feel ecstasy approaching in the shape of a beautiful , warm light…I sink my claws in his back making him shiver … "You are mine!" he shouts, and I am! His hands block my wrists at the top of my head to remind it to me…his thrusts become harder and harder, to make me loose any consciousness of myself, of the word around me, of everything…"Give me your mouth…now! It's mine!" he orders, and my mouth is his. "Let me hold you" I plead… he leaves my wrists to give me another bear hug… "Then hold me tight…I need to feel you!" He says imperiously…I could never hold you other than tight… "Let me kiss you! I need it!" And I offer my lips to him who bites them and sucks at them… "Feel me! Feel me!" And I do…I feel him exploding inside of me…nothing exist anymore…this room doesn't exist…we are in another dimension, where he possesses me forever, where he cries out his wild pleasure, where he lets himself falling over me…where he doesn't want to stop kissing me…where he keeps his mouth in mine…where he cuddles on my chest…sucking at my breast like his children did…and in this way, just like them…he goes to sleep: just like a child of mine…cuddling in the fragrance of our mixed fluids…

Chapter XX: Untold poems

The night is quiet…soft wind comes in through the open window and slightly moves my hair. I am floating in a land of nowhere…is it really wind? Or is it an elfin hand running through my hair? For the first time in years I feel the beatitude of warmth: a maternal, yet erotic one…As my mind clears up a little, my hands start moving to discover the source of my bliss…to thank it for quenching my thirst…my thirst for affection, for companionship …to worship it, like a holy insight…

Nothing in my body is answering to me…not even my mind is…my hands move upwards to stroke long, soft hair, spread all over my bed, to caress beautifully scented, silky skin…I ask my strength a further effort: to lift me up, and then I'll let it rest…

The only light is the moon's…witness of a night of wonder, and under this light, which makes everything appear perfect and pure, everything that would look otherwise common and tedious during the day, she appears like an untouchable divinity…

Her hair is grown so long that I could lay in it like in a green pasture, her body has gotten even more mature…I go down to look at her womb, imagining how it would look when it was still a crib to the children; her breasts are more beautiful than I remembered, maybe because now they have the taste of milk, which is gone, but still left its tender fragrance on them…

Maternity has only made her more gorgeous…and made me ugly…ugly inside, in this heart of mine that can't stop loving her, but that I know won't accept the past…it won't accept her action…a heart that won't forgive, but that won't stop adoring…ever! Because she is not the woman that you can stop loving…she possesses your mind, even when you think she doesn't…

She is there when other women approach me, when they ask me for a night, without wanting anything back; but that night…I cannot give them…I cannot share what she has taught me…it's a secret…between me and her, it will always be, even if anger in this wounded heart won't allow me to tell her…won't allow me to open myself to her…

But you keep holding me, my love, and let me rest myself on you…do our children rest on you like I am doing? They ought to: you are so soft…ensuring…your fingers stroke my hair even in your sleep…you don't know I am enjoying your sight…your scent…the sound of your heartbeat to remind me that we are alive, the sound of your breathing as a lullaby, the same our children have sang to me to warn me of their presence, to ask me not to be sad, that everything would work out, and that I was important to them, even though we had never met…

But you didn't do that…you didn't think I was important, did you? Not enough to give me a share of your treasure, which was mine also! You thought I wasn't worthy it…of all of the treasures Athena thinks I am worthy for saving her and the world, you thought I wasn't worth the fruit of my own blood; you thought I was worth your life, but not their life…

I look up at you again; stroke your face, going down to your neck, and for a minute wonder whether I should kiss it or wring it with these hands of mine…but you are beautiful…so beautiful, and I cannot stop feeling love, and cannot stop feeling anger, when I think of Michaela's features, when I think of Yehoshua's eyes…I kiss you slightly, so as not to wake you up…I had rather letting my mind express itself silently while watching you, creating a number of untold love poems, than facing you…than talking to you…words will ruin the poems, because no kind words can come out of these lips right now: my actions don't belong to me…they belong to my anger, to my desperation…My eyes can't afford meeting yours…and I bury my head in your shoulder, and pray to fall asleep again, because I cannot face you…hoping that you will be gone before I wake up, otherwise I'll be gone before words ruin the bliss of this night….

How long ago has this happened? The light filters through the window…I start as I realize I am alone in my bed…so was it all a dream? I grab the sheets…the pillows…it cannot be. Like an animal, or maybe like a child I start sniffing them, in search of the familiar aroma…and eventually I find it…everywhere…all over …so you were really here with me? Where you really here, my love? And where are you now? Oh…but stay…stay wherever you are…stay away from me…I can only be harm to you…I always was…

But no…no…come back…come back because I am dying…because I am missing you…I have your taste in my mouth…your fragrance all over my body…can't you hear me calling? Can't you hear my cry? Love and anger…love and anger…all I can offer you…and anger ruins love…and love feeds my anger…I need you…I abhor you …my pain, my glee…

Here is the warmth…again…here is the light…here is the call…yes…I hear you, my goddess…I hear you calling me out…I'll come over…I'll come to see you…I'll come to rebuke you, but I will do whatever you are asking me…and if I won't be able to, if my anger will keep me from obeying you, than I'll die, because those I believed in betrayed me…treated me like I was nothing…like I was a fighting machine…created to battle, and not to get pleasure…It's my destiny…I am tired of my destiny…

I head toward Athena's rooms…I do it through the secret passages…I don't want to get in by the twelve temples…I can't stand seeing anybody right now…I can't stand seeing those who kept the secret …You gold saints…you knew…you saw them often…I know you did…how could you stand before my eyes behaving like nothing every time you would come back, feeding me your lies…to me: your friend…

And you: loved one…what can I say to you? What can I say of the times we have met these years…what did you feel when you had to stand my gaze? What would you feel when you would stare into these eyes of mine, that reflected your daughter's…as black as coal…. and gave me your mendacious formal greeting…made out of falsehood!

I hadn't realized that I had gotten before Saori's door. The two guards standing at it are new; they do not know who I am yet…they only have heard talking about me, so I show them the golden arm ring I am wearing. The one that defines my rank and that everybody is supposed to wear in Sanctuary. It's the gold saints' one, which my brothers and me received after the battle against Poseidon in place of the bronze one, so sometimes if the guards do not know us, they look at it and get our identity.

They see it emanates an arcane power that a common jewel wouldn't, they see the emblem of Nike at its two ends, and the symbol of our constellation engraved over and over on it. Mine is the winged horse, of course, so it is clear who I am. They bow in respect and let me in, apologizing. In the past I used to be proud of all this deference, but now I feel it like a chain! Like a curse…something that doesn't give me joy anymore…

I enter the door and I see Saori sitting on her throne. At the end of the stairs, Shaina turns to look at me. Gorgeous! Wearing a long linen kaki peplo with silver drawings at its end, and her silver rank arm ring… her hair spread on her shoulders in unruly waves looks like the Aegean at its wildest. I wonder if the night together increased her beauty, or is it only this evil game I have decided to play with her…

There is no ease in her gaze, no relaxation, but I do feel the presence of what happened between us last night…it's like if from a distance, I can feel the tension and the desire, and I wonder if my own tension, my own desires are evident to her, and I try to control them…In this moment, all I want to be evident is my anger…the sun is up! I am not weak anymore!

I walk and go to stand before Saori, taking a distance from Shaina. She looks down; she is probably thwarted by my action …I feel victorious! I stare at Saori with a spiteful look in my eyes, with a cynical smile I bow, "I am here, my goddess. Pray tell the reason of your call." Saori has registered my malice, but she doesn't pay attention to it…she is a goddess…I am not triumphant anymore, but I make Shaina believe I am…

"Seiya, I believe that the time has come when we need to have a talk." "I know" I reply dryly. Shaina is not looking at me, Saori continues, "I have to explain the situation to you." "Why you?" I say mercilessly "Why not the lady here by my side, I am really curious to know what she has to say."

She is hurt, I know… but she finds the strength to look up at me. Pain lies in her eyes, but she is too proud to show it. "Because the lady by your side is about to leave now." She replies calmly. I grit my teeth, but I know I have to stay calm, even though I can't avoid a teasing, mean tone "And why is that, Shaina? Are you scared of facing me? If you survived last night I guess you can take the rest of it, too, don't you think?" Saori stands up, and yells at me, "Stop it, Seiya! You are standing before your goddess!"

I regain my composed stance, and look away. Shaina is about to cry, I feel it, but I don't give in. I hear Saori again, "Shaina, you may leave now." "Thanks, Goddess." She replies in a breath, and walks away. I would like to run after her, take her in my arms and say I am sorry, but I can't! I am getting mean against my will… "Coward!" I whisper at her back…she turns to look at me again, in her emerald eyes all the throbbing of a few wicked words, "I heard that!" She says, and she is out of here.

Chapter XXI: Slaves of destiny

Saori's look on me is harsh. I would like to apologize, but I don't. "Seiya. I need you to listen carefully to what I have to say." " I am listening, I am curious to death!" I reply mockingly… "Seiya, I would encourage you to drop your attitude stance, or I'll seriously think about chastising you! You are a man, a saint, one of the best: I cannot stand you behaving like a child!" I know I am really going too far…I decide to be silent and listen…this might be my last chance of knowing the truth… "I am sorry…I…I am just a little depressed, that is it." I mutt.

She walks toward the balcony and begins this tale of wonder….

"Seiya, when I decided to send pioneers to the Atlantic district, I didn't think about the girls right away. I think you know this." I nod looking away, and she continues. "I have to tell you a truth: I knew what you guys had been up to…I mean that night, the night before I assigned the job."

I don't like her to go there, but I cannot do anything…the story is getting interesting at this point, and she is a goddess anyway: she goes wherever she wants.

"I had been watching you all the time in the months before that…all of you, and noticed that something was going on between some of you and the girls."

"Where are you trying to get, Saori?" I am getting kind of nervous, now…what is she trying to say?

"What I am trying to say is that I…. made sure that whatever relationship that was would bear fruit…that is what I am trying to say…" She pauses for a minute…

"You mean that…. that…" I can't continue…

"Yes, I did make the girls fertile with my powers…" now I am really freaked out… "The girls?" I say in shock… "Yes, Seiya…Shaina hasn't been the only one to give birth to children…" She says calmly, not fearing what I might think of her action. Maybe I feel slightly… cowardly, more relaxed now, and she must have read that in my Cosmo, in fact she continues, in order to disillusion the relief I take from her revelation… "But there is something else to that, Seiya! It is true that I made sure the girls would conceive, but I didn't have any business in the way you lead your relationships with them, nor in making you attracted to them and vice versa…this is a truth. I care about you and want you to be happy, but honestly, as long as you are worthy as saints, and as long as the world as always new warriors to count on, I do not care whether or not you are involved with anyone…I just saw that something was happening and thought that it might as well give fruit…I couldn't know you would have left them…I couldn't expect that… I thought you would stay together…"

I look at her in incredulity…I am astounded…I don't know what to say…what does this entitle me to with my children? And how about Shaina? Saori doesn't need me to talk…she knows every single twisted thought that passes through my mind, and I know it, and I find relief in it, because in this moment, I am too exhausted, emotionally and psychologically, to pronounce any kind of sentence…I am glad she is giving me all of the answers without needing me to ask for them…

"Seiya, there is something I have to make you aware of for what concern interactions between humans and gods…" She seats by me again… "Seiya, let's say that it's night, and we both are in this room, and this room is totally dark, and there is no moonlight outside, and there are no stars. Let's say that the balcony doesn't have a railing, and that you do not know that, and I do know it…Let's say that you walk straight ahead and fall down because there was no railing, and die…now, did I say to you, "walk toward the balcony?"

"No…" I answer,

" Did I push you down the balcony once you were there?"

"No…" I reply

"But I did know there was no railing…"

"But probably I shouldn't have been so reckless, or maybe you should have told me that there was no railing..." I say…

"Seiya, this is the point! I didn't have to! Gods cannot always be there to lead any single action of yours! Where is the concept of free will then? You must be conscious of your own actions before performing them: If you are wise, you do not adventure yourself toward the darkness if you don't know what is waiting for you…I made Shaina fertile, but if you guys hadn't slept together, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, and so the other girls, do you know what I mean now?"

"Yeah…I suppose so…" I reply looking down…after a little pause of silence I add "Now tell me something: after you felt that they had conceived, why did you give them the assignment on the Atlantic district?"

"In the beginning, as I said, I was only thinking of proposing it to them, just as a matter of respect, to show them that I believed in them and would gladly give them the most important among the new assignments: they could have said no…But when I decided to talk to you about it, before talking to them, I felt in your cosmos, in your minds, that the thing was giving relief to you…I didn't analyze the reasons of it right away, but then they rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds…I felt the worries you had about them, about leaving them widows, alone, in sufferance…I felt the sincerity and pureness of your feelings, and I read your decision of having them saying yes to me…that is why I gave the assignment to them…In the Atlantic district they would have given birth to the children in peace, they would have built an empire in my name, and would have created the best section of the Graude Foundation: the one which still gathers the best kids suited to become saints since six years ago…"

Slowly, everything is taking its shape in my torn mind…but still… "And why in the world we weren't supposed to know about the children?" I raise my head saying so,

"That was their choice, Seiya…the girls' choice! I felt their pain…I felt the excruciating weight of being abandoned from the men they loved, which in your point of view might also be justified, but still…it hurt them! Especially when they saw Aiolia stubbornly remaining by Marin's side…. She decided to go because she had felt the grief of her friends, and didn't want to leave them alone…. Not even for a minute Aiolia and her have thought about breaking up…Aiolia goes to see them every month…And not to make the other kids feel the difference between their fatherless reality and his own little ones', he hasn't either taught them to call him daddy…of course they do not ignore he is their father, but he has managed to put the situation in a way that the difference wouldn't be so clear to the other children"

I stand up and start walking back and forth…edgy…angry…of course Aiolia has kept the secret as well…but do I have any right to be mad at him? Athena just told me: it was the women's decision to hide their maternities, what could Aiolia do? Now I get the entire picture straight: he has never talked about the fact he had children, so as not to raise any natural question in us all….

"Seiya: I owed to those women the permission to act as they pleased in this situation…they were the ones to give birth to the kids, and the ones to be left behind from their men…You could have chosen Aiolia' s way!" She stands and walks toward the window, to stare at the sea…

" It was a stupid whim, thousands of years old, my decision of having them wearing a mask, and to make all those stupid rules!!! Just allowing them to take it off wouldn't pay for those who have been decapitated because of not being able to kill or love the men who had seen their faces…. Gods aren't perfect either, Seiya…Gods mature with the increasing of the time just as humans…I matured myself: look how capricious I was as a little girl, and look at me now…I did my mistakes as a goddess, and now I intend to smother them! Those women have suffered enough…I had had the saints I needed: the way your relationships would work out was your job to decide…I am a Goddess, Seiya, I have to think about the safety of mankind before any of your love troubles…I am sure you understand that!"

What can I say? She is right…me myself: I have always thought this way…. but still…all of this conversation doesn't make me less angry toward Shaina…especially because now I know that even though Athena intervened in the conceiving of the children, she doesn't have anything to do with our relationship, so the fact that the children were wanted by a divine will, doesn't make Shaina less guilty for having hidden them from me…

"Goddess, didn't you think that this day would come? Didn't they think that this day would come?"

"They did, Seiya, and so did I…but they couldn't know you would want the children, once you knew about them…not after the way you left them…"

"Goddess: do you think that we would disseminate the world of bastards?? Do they think that???"

"My beloved grandfather…your father, Seiya…he did it! How can the girls know you wouldn't do the same?"

What can I reply now? Of course the specter of Mitsumasa Kido haunts us…still…. forbidding us to be happy…or maybe it's just that we are slaves of our destiny of chosen ones…a destiny that we are only allowed to devote to protect our goddess and mankind, without any spot for us…I am beaten…

"Goddess…" my tone, speaking to her is getting gentler, now…a gentleness created by the awareness of my incapacity, even because now the situation is straight before my eyes…Shaina wanted to punish me for having left her, without understanding, nor wanting to understand my reasons…which were sincere… and she found the unhappiest way to make me pay off…

"Yes, Seiya?" She answers stroking my head, sitting a stair above the one I am sitting on, "Did Shaina know about the divine nature of the conceiving of our children?" It's the only thing I need to know…

"She didn't, Seiya…not from my mouth…she had always felt it, and I haven't confirmed that to her…what for, Seiya? Whoever; saint of mine, would want to refuse his children, whenever he would have any, to me? It would be unnatural…whether they are conceived because of a divine will or because of a natural cycle…why bother one of the best saints I have? I love her…she would worry, and she doesn't deserve it…and you should be more understanding of her actions…"

" I am not understanding my own action right now, goddess. I cannot understand hers…Since you said that working out our relationships is our business, then leave us to it…we'll always be your saints!" I sentence, getting up…

"Seiya, there is something else, before you leave"

I turn to look at her, "Yes, goddess?"

"Your brothers do not know anything…the children's world is very delicate right now…they'll have to be introduced gradually to you guys…when you'll visit yours you'll see what I mean…I decided that you'll start getting to know your children, and when the things are going to be set, the others will gradually be introduced to theirs, You must keep the secret, or I'll have to be drastic"

It is almost funny…what does she think? That I am a gossipy lady? Doesn't she know that I had already thought about that?

"Of course, Goddess…but I would suggest you that you let know this fairy tale to Shun now, he has been there with me, and felt something, too, and he is not stupid, and I am sure he'll be patient enough to wait for me to get to know my children, and he'll also keep the secret…"

"I will, Seiya, but you: behave yourself…I care about you, but I gave to the girls full control on the children's lives: it's also something that I owed to them, and I do not intend to come back on this point! You'll talk to Shaina about the details of what are going to be your visits…At first you are going to be send with the Twelve Temples' Gold Saints, the same who have been going there all of this time to check on the training of the kids, then we'll see. She will be a couple of rooms ahead, in her office. She will decide. Have I made myself clear?"

I know what she means…I know what I am going to go through…. do not worry, Saori…I am used to suffer…you taught it to all of us, while you were living in opulence… "Of course, my Goddess!" I say with a bow, and stalk away…beyond that door, something new is expecting me…something I didn't even know existed until a few days ago…something that made me complete, and gave me more strength…and a few rooms ahead, my favorite game for the next future is waiting to decide once again about my rights as a father, without asking my opinion…Maybe I can change my destiny of slavery…the slavery symbolized by this golden ring on my arm….

Chapter XXII: Torn minds, broken hearts

All along…I feel this sentiment of loss…this feeling of my heart being mangled, …heavy…like I cannot breathe anymore…I knew it…I knew that was it…how could I be so foolish once again? I could I be so imprudent to think that he might really love me? Why did I make such a fool of myself? I thought I was strong…determined…Instead I let him invade me once again!

Invade me? Is this the way I am talking about the love of my life? Invaded like how? Like raped? Like constricted? No…I let him because I wanted him…because I love him…should I feel ashamed of myself or is it ok to use emotions to justify my behavior? Might it be that I am just a whore?

I keep my head with my hands…. All I never wanted to happen to me…dishonor, being used, being fooled…all of this has happened to me since the day I admitted my feelings for him…what can I do? Will I let remorse overwhelming me? Will I let my pride go away…suffocating it, only because I think it's too late to retrieve my dignity…and what dignity anyway?

What makes dignity what we think it is? Tell no to his desire…would it give me more dignity? Being bitchy about him seeing the kids would give it back to me? Or should I just behave like the mature woman I struggled to become? Which behavior is more suited to handle his fire?

Behavior…. what behavior? See? I am already loosing myself!! I cannot do that!!! I'll handle to situation the way I feel to handle it, no tactics, no techniques: just by being me…this is the way I raised my children…this is the Shaina they know, and I am not changing because their father is too immature to understand: he is old enough to cope with this…

My love…! Ah! Do I love you…I'll have to raise you over…to make you mature…only this way you can be the father that the kids want…because I have the impression that you do not understand what is waiting for you on the other side of Ocean…you think you are meeting kids: you aren't …you are going to deal with adults in smaller bodies…you'll see…

I'll do it in a way that you won't understand it's me trying to teach you…you'll think you are learning yourself…because you won't allow me close to you…I know that…you have so much to learn, though…and no one else can teach you how to handle the fruit of the passion of your youth…

I start as I hear a ringing… I make one of the compartments under the black granite desk slide toward me and fetch out an onyx-like covered cordless phone. I look up the caller ID. The display says, 'Graude Atlantic'. I am agitated…why are they calling from the Atlantic district? Is anything happened to the kids?

"Hello?" I answer with trembling voice…

"MAMMA!!!" The crystalline sound of my daughter's voices manages to fill my heart up with a new light…

"Michaela? What happened, honey?" I answer in a breath…

"What happened to me? What happened to you??!! Why did you leave like that without either saying goodbye?? Are you mad at us for something?"

"OH! Honey!! No!! I had to leave right away because I was called from Athena…you know…it has happened other times, why should I be mad at you? Did you do anything I should be mad about?" I say, gradually changing my tone from worried to inquiring…I want to see if she will tell me about her encounter with Seiya.

One thing was just calling out for him mentally…another is to having him coming over…it is something very serious, and I can't stand that they didn't tell me what was all that about, but on the other hand, I know it's not the right time…

"Eerrgghh…nope! I didn't do anything wrong! I just didn't find you this morning and Marin told me that you had had to go to Greece and would be back in a couple of days…"

It is true…I was supposed to come here in a month…but I just couldn't take what happened with Seiya coming to the district…I couldn't!!! I had to come here and fix whatever he might have messed up! I feel calmer now, after having talked to Athena, and after having had her talking to Seiya… That will be a great help…even though I know that something is broken…and there is no way back to that…

"Yes sweetheart, it's true…and you and Yehoshua were sleeping when I came to kiss you goodbye…Hey! I'll be back tomorrow, you know…I just have to fix some papers, ok?"

"hhmm…ok…"

"Hey, baby? You aren't being late for school, are you?"

"No, Shaina! Did you forget that today I am going at nine? It's only seven thirty over here! What is wrong with you?" I laugh: she is so grown up!

"I am sorry! I am just a little distracted by the paperwork I have here, so stop making fun of me miss-princess-right-time!" She laughs, and me too…

"Ok…sorry miss-Queen-paperwork!" She replies…

"Where is your brother?"

"Guess!"

"No…Sleeping?"

"YEAH!!!Ah!Ah! You know Mister-prince-snooze!"

How different you sound today, angel of mine…Yesterday it was only you, me, and our Mr. Snooze…nothing was bothering our glee…our spot…. And now…now our life together is destined to slowly change into something that I would have never expected…that would have made my life and my happiness the fullest if it would have been from the beginning, but now…now I know it won't be like that…and it hurts…it hurts…but you wanted it…you decided that you were mature enough for it, and I cannot do anything but kneeling before your will…and hoping that it won't hurt you…I hope it won't be as if you were donating yourself and your innocence to an ungrateful lover…the same one I donated myself…my heart, my soul. Hopefully that lover will treat you better, and not like a temporary toy…the way he treated me…

"Michaela?"

"Yes, Shaina?"

"I love you…so much!"

"Why are you saying so?"

"Don't I always say it?"

"Yes…but you sound…sad…"

"It's because I miss you! I would like to say it to Yehoshua, too…"

"I miss you too, honey! And I'll tell Yehoshua when he wakes up, ok?"

She is so cute when she uses those grown up words…she cracks me up when she calls me Honey…I cry and smile…silently, without having her getting it…

"Ok! But I will feel better if I will be able to talk to him later…"

"Ok…I'll have him calling you when he wakes up, all right Miss Italian-sticky-mamma?"

" HEY! Who taught you that???" I reply laughing.

"ehhrg…I am not telling you!"

"Ok! I had better not knowing that!" I joke. I don't want to let her go…I'll feel lost if she leaves me…so I try to keep her on the phone…

"So…what have you done so far without me?" I begin.

"Hmm…let's see…I went to Hawaii, then to a Safari, I graduated from college and I got a cloth! C'mon! You have only been away one day!"

"I am sorry…baby, you are right!" I laugh again! How grown up my kids are…. they have this sense of humor that sometimes leaves me at loss for words…

As I am still joking and playing dumb with my daughter, I hear a knocking on the door: one of the guards walks in and I feel a little annoyed, but I have to realize that I am working… "What?" I ask to the guard placing my hand on the receiver. "Gold Saint Pegasus Seiya is here to see you, my lady." He bows to me; "I'll be with him in a minute." I say, and take my hand off the phone to say bye to Michaela. My heart is going totally wild! "Honey, I'll leave tonight and see you tomorrow, ok? I have some work to do now." I say with trembling voice…in the meantime Seiya has entered the door…a cold expression on his beautiful face…his golden arm ring makes him look so sexy and savage…I hadn't realized how masculine he looks now…he has grown into a handsome man…he is no more the chubby child that made love to me the first time, only driven from the fire of his adolescence…

Wearing a sleeveless semi tight black shirt and large kaki pants with big pockets on their sides, leather sandals, and that fragrance…. he kills me!

I haven't had the lucidity to realize that Michaela is still on the phone…I ask him to have a seat with a gesture, and turn toward the window to calm myself down…I don't want Michaela to feel my state…But she is too smart, and her Cosmo too powerful… "Who is it, Shaina?" She starts with an excited tone, "Somebody I have to talk to, Honey." I say trying to lower my voice so as not to have him understanding I am talking to her, "Shaina: who entered the door just now? Tell me!" She says a little more imperiously now. "Sweetie, mamma has some work to do now, ok? Go wake up Yehoshua and I'll call you back in half an hour, all right?"

"Mamma…." She asks me now with a resigned…sad tone…

"Yes sweetheart?" I answer in a whisper, feeling uneasy knowing that he has understood I am talking to her…I don't dare turning to look up at him…I don't want to see his expression.

"Is that…he?" she says this time with shaky voice…maybe fearing my admonishment…

"What are you talking about, kitten?" I answer trying to sound casual…even faking a smile…but how much that smile costs to me.

"I think you know better," she answers sadly…From those few little words, I understand everything: my children know…sense…feel…. who knows since when…but they do…Michaela doesn't even do anything to hide it now…she wants him…I turn to look at him…I have to be strong now…he is studying my expression…his crimson eyes cut like a blade, his beautiful lips locked in a tough expression…I have to find the strength to answer to my daughter while facing him, and I do: "Honey, I hope you understand it is not the right time. The right time will be…soon…so soon…" I say to her while staring in his eyes…he understands also…but stands my gaze…

"I…I understand, mamma…I just…wanted to know he is there…I just wanted to…feel him," she almost cries…

"Mamma…I'd die to hear his voice…"

"Michaela…Can you keep a secret?" I ask her,

"Yes…I can mamma…"

"Then, if you do, you'll have everything you are asking me: everything! Not now, though…do you understand this?" I pray she will give in and stop asking me to hear him…it would be so awkward now…

"Ok…mamma…I promise…I truly promise!!!" She knows she has to wait…and she will…I trust her…I trust Yehoshua…

"I have to go now…will you call me again when Yehoshua wakes up?"

"I will! I promise!" she is happier now…she knows I won't miss to keep my own promises… "I love you, Shaina!!!" she adds happy…her childish vigor renewed by my pledge, she hangs up and probably runs to wake up her brother…and give him the good news… I know they will keep it to themselves…I feel they won't tell the other children right now…they are too smart…

It's the time of the real facing now: him and me. Alone and lucid… both of us…what is going to happen now? I keep my head up…his smile is spiteful now; "Charming!" he devilishly mocks me. I am so hurt I feel my heart could start bleeding at one time or another, but I won't give in. My voice is trembling, as well as my hands, but I manage to say, "Do I have to remind you that I have the control here?"

He doesn't seem to change is stance….

"OH! No! No! Really! I know you have the control. What is new with that? Athena told me, do not worry, but would you break the promise you just did to your daughter? I mean…our daughter? Yes… because I guess I have to get used to that word: our, even though I wish I didn't have anything to share with you, but nothing can change that I guess…but anyway…she wants me…they both do…" Why is he doing this to me? Is this the beginning of a long hell? Because that is what it sounds like…

"I have no intention to break any of my promises! I am just saying that if you are to be introduced into the Atlantic district you'll have to conduct youself! This kind of performance isn't tolerated over there! And I am pretty sure that Marin will agree with me! Don't you think so?" I hiss raising my voice and lifting from the chair to place my fists on the desk.

He doesn't answer…but stays seated with his arms crossed, and giving the impression of being enjoying some sort of a show…I seat back and try to calm down, " You'll be coming to the Atlantic district exactly in a month from now."

"A MONTH!?" He shouts standing up…flames in his eyes, "What are you doing? Having fun torturing me? I want to come right now!"

"SEIYA! The kids need to be ready!" I answer trying not to show my fear.

"THEY ARE!" He answers angrily.

"Seiya: Yehoshua and Michaela aren't the only children in the Atlantic district…and they all live a common life with the others…they say they are all brothers and sisters… do you understand this?" I try to sound sweeter…maybe I just need to tame him…

" I do! I am not stupid! Athena told me! I just want to…be with them…" this time he is calmer…almost moved…

"And you will…but you'll do it gradually! It's only one month. You will be coming with another gold saint to check on the training of the kids. At first all the children are going to be surprised…but then they'll get used to you… and then it will be easier…Michaela and Yehoshua will be very discrete with the others…I'll instruct them, but you'll have to help this! Do you understand me?"

"Why didn't you let me speak to Michaela?" he asks with broken voice.

"Because I thought it was awkward: you should talk when you'll be able to look at each other…you don't even know each other…" He knows I am right, and he lets go… "Shaina!" He tells me and I can swear I see the glimmer of tears in his eyes, " Of all the times you saved my life, none of them is worth the torture you are giving me. I would have rather dying instead than suffering this agony…" He says ready to go away…he can't stand my presence any longer…it hurts…it hurts so much…

"Seiya: I know…it's the same thing I thought about myself when you left me that day on the beach…and when I was sent away, and when I found out I was pregnant…and when I gave premature birth to the children…when I held them still covered with blood in my arms fearing they might die…I know what you are talking about…"

I am proud of my strength…I am proud of myself because I am not crying… He turns to me…tears in his eyes. He wanted to hide them…but he couldn't…It's a strong moment for us both…it's a great step…now we really have to grow…the two of us…My head lowered, I close my eyes as I feel his hands on my shoulders, sliding down my arms…he suddenly pulls me to him, and kisses me…passionately, ending up biting my lips…I wish he would never stop…We grab each other like the other is about to fall…stroking each other. We need to feel each other…but I know that his anger goes beyond the reasons of his actions…whatever they are…When he manages to leave my lips…he places his forehead on mine… "I wish you weren't this beautiful! I still hate you!"

"Then don't kiss me anymore!" I say, still feeling the pain of his words…

"Instead I will!"

"Why?"

"Why would you?"

"I asked it first!"

But this time he doesn't answer…he kisses me again…taking me to heaven…and then leaving me…

How painful is this…how bad…I want him…I want him to hold me…to kiss me again…but I won't tell him…he turns his back to me and puts his hands on his head like he is going crazy… "I have to disappear! I can't stand being close to you anymore…" He says…what does he mean? I would like to run after him and hold him and beg him to remain with me…stroking and kissing every inch of his godly body…make love to him like last night…whose signs are still visible on his neck and shoulders…on my own skin…on my own body…but I don't! I can't!

"Then walk away! Athena will decide the details of your departure. I'll see you in a month and I hope you'll be more of a man by then!" I say trying to keep calm…

He walks back to me for a minute: the pain on his face has disappeared to leave room once again to a spiteful smile… "Oh…sweetie: I was sure I had showed you last night that I am more of a man…"

He thinks he'll have the last word, but he is mistaken! "It's not getting between my legs that you can think of proving that you are mature: nobody needs to graduate from college to know how to have good sex, am I wrong? Grow up Seiya: I have two kids! I do not need a third big one!"

He grabs my neck and for a moment I think he wants to choke me! " You are the venom that poisons my life! In any way a life can be poisoned!"

Then he leaves me…hatred in his eyes…death in my heart…he walks away without me being able to answer…Before slamming the door, he turns to look at me, mocking me once again, "I'll see you in a month, sweetie-pie! I can't wait to take a few more bites out of you!"

I am alone now…my lips sore…I still feel his arms around me…his scent on my skin…My love…my life…what are you doing to me? Why? Is this the gratefulness I deserve for the children I bore you? I am already missing you…I am…I need you like the water in the desert…How will I be able to survive to this?

My children…again…my children… how can I be so selfish? I have to survive for my children…They don't have to pay for our mistakes… they have to be happy…and they will…You'll have to be grateful to me when you'll see how beautiful they are…how smart…. how polite…how strong…then…maybe…you'll grow…I'll try to teach you…then…maybe…you'll love me…maybe a little…maybe a little….

Chapter XXIII: Destiny-holder

The Atlantic district has never looked so strange to me…never so weird, odd…not even when I came here feeling this supersonic aircraft like a huge cage that was bringing me against my will to another life…far away from my love…But the new life has given me a lot…too much more than I really deserved, if only for the fact that I have cursed this life in the beginning…

I'll never get really used to the jet-lag effects…I still feel like I am watching at the world around me like through a TV screen…so weird…at least until I get some sleep…but would it be easy to sleep right now? I put together the happenings of the past two days…How different everything was when I left…the world can turn around in less than 48 hours…Seiya…my love… what are you doing now? Where are you? Are you going to thrust your blade in my heart some more? I still feel your taste in my mouth…I wish it was a dream…I wish I didn't have to deal with you…I am a coward…but it's not a dream…

I look at myself in the mirror and see the signs of your passion…or anger…here on my skin…I caress them…why can't you love me for real? Why can you only use me? That is what you do? You use me to blood and then go back to your sweet little Japanese girlfriend whom you wouldn't touch because in you chauvinist mind you feel it's a sign of respect your not touching her?

How about respecting the woman who gave you these children you seem so proud to have? How about just leaving me alone, without having to humiliate me again and again? What if there is more in me than a whore you slept with? Are you any interested in knowing what I feel? What I do here? Why I hid the kids from you? Or are you just one of those chauvinists who can feel "a real man" or "the boss" only if there is some poor thing waiting only for them to fuck her like the sun is laying between her legs and pop a kid per year so that you can convince yourself that your sperm drops straight from heaven? Like we need a Ph.D. to have sex…like it's something that you learn in a holy book accessible only to the "coolest"…It's not that Seiya…it's not….

But after all, a lot of men are like that…and you might not be different…after all, you have always been the one who thinks that a girl "shouldn't fight"…or that " You won't fight a girl" …or that " You can't accept my sacrifice because men should never hide behind women"…I know your mind, Seiya…it's simple…old-fashioned…who did you take it after? Oh! Dumb question…of course your father…HE was a real man, wasn't he? He managed to father 100 kids in three years…you must feel like he is a real Boss; maybe you want to be like him! He was a monster, Seiya! Kids aren't machine…or dogs you can breed to get a new race…kids are souls…feelings…butterfly kisses…funny remarks…joy…night time stories… embarrassing questions…future adults…future saints…what else…isn't it enough? You'll find out Seiya…you'll see…you'll have to be a father now…I almost feel sorry for you…I almost can see our children embarrassing you with their precocious curiosity, with their intelligent remarks, with their way of studying a new person…

Although…I can't wait for that…I can't wait to see the fruit of whatever it has been for you, love for me, melting with you…laying their hands in yours…amazing themselves at how big yours are compared to theirs…I can't wait to liquefy myself in the pleasure of looking at you three together…at you kissing their sweet faces…like that night on the shore…My love…my only love…there is no price to that scene…I could watch it perpetually…adoring…enjoying your resemblance…and I made them like that! I made them like you…OH! No! NO! I am talking like a feminist myself…WE made them like that…we both…and sometimes I feel that even if you hate me…you must have loved me that night only…otherwise they couldn't be so beautiful…so smart…so great…

I have been so sunk in my thoughts that I haven't even realized that I am off the plane…now…when did we land? The young man comes toward me…I know him but I don't remember… "Welcome back, my lady!" He says with deference. He lifts my bag and I say, "Sorry young man, what is your name? I forgot." He laughs amused a little… "You call me Eitan, my lady" he is no more than 21. A bright Jewish student at our college, and we have just found out he has a potential…he could be a saint…he said he will…maybe…whatever the divine will wants…for now he only wants to be a doctor and take care of as many people as he can…noble heart…Beautiful…really beautiful…dark skin…dark hair, but deep blue eyes…Great Aikidoka.

"Eitan, right…it means "strong". And you are; Eitan…how is your training going?" I ask him without even feeling sorry for having forgotten his name, and not even for having changed it! I don't even remember which one was his name when he came 5 years ago…I don't consider men that much… "Very good, my lady…this is my last year." He answers with his deep, revering voice. " And then you'll leave us and roam the world, full of knowledge!" I joke. He looks at me in surprise, staring in my eyes like to peer into them, "No! My lady… never! I'd never leave you…" He lowers his gaze and blushes a little, " I mean…I like it here…I won't leave…I'll stay…" I try to play down a little to have him relaxing, " Ok, OK! You are right. After all, this place is fun to be in, right?" "Right!" He says…a little more relaxed now…

It's common happening that every once in a while a student is going to have a crush on one of us…we are so used to that…I had noticed Eitan's interest in me since the first day…Some of our students come from very poor backgrounds…they are so needy of attention…. But Eitan is different…he comes from a rich Jewish family, and one day he decided, just like Siddharta, that the world needed people to care for it…and he decided he was one of those people…Because of my name he thought I was Jewish as well, but I told him that we female saints get our name changed at the "mask ceremony" which still exists, save that the mask is only ceremonial, then the girl doesn't need to use it anymore…

I am so attracted from Eitan's mother culture that I gave my kids Jewish names, and Eitan must have taken it as if I were interested in him, but I have always kept them at a distance from me, and never bothered asking him to call me Shaina, instead than My lady…but this hasn't stopped his juvenile crush…He'll get over it…

Again…rumbling…and I haven't realized that I am before the main door…It's afternoon and the kids must be in training…As I shake other thoughts out of my mind… the grip of anguish on my heart comes back to hurt…My kids… I need to see my kids!!! I let Eitan putting my bag down and start running without thinking toward the training camp…I get there…the kids turn to look up… they felt me! Federica is with them…they run toward me… I can't help but crying as they throw me down in the sand and kiss me to exhaustion! My babies…my sweet babies…

"WE JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!" Yells Yehoshua. Michaela keeps kissing me. She doesn't even ask… I know what she wants to know…Yehoshua realizes it too after the first outburst of joy…. Like is father, he is very impulsive…Oh well!!! Guess who is talking now! The one who is not impulsive! Who am I kidding?

"Children…" I begin, " We need to talk. Not now, but we need a talk. A serious one." They look serious now…sad…maybe they think I am going to scold them… "Are we going to be punished, Shaina?" Says Michaela. She doesn't need to hide anything anymore, and so doesn't Yehoshua. He grabs his sister's hand and looks at me with a resigned smile on his face, "It's Ok Shaina. We'll talk tomorrow. Me and Michaela are ready, but not to be punished!" He adds in a second moment mocking me! Yehoshua, my love…you can make every situation look less dramatic! You will be a great buddy to your father…

I get in and would like to get some rest…but how can I rest if my heart is tumultuous? The others have felt me…they knew I was coming back…they all reach me in the hall. Marin says, "The servants have prepared dinner. Why don't you go to refresh yourself and then come back? There is a plan to discuss tonight, I believe." She has a reassuring smile on her face…I throw myself in her arms and start to cry… "Everything will be fine, Shaina…just fine…" She says, stroking my hair. The others have reached us. Nobody talks…they all have the same worried expression on their faces. They hug me…they know there is going to be a change for them too…but none of them is as terrified as I am…worried, but not terrified…

The kids are brought back and fed by the girls, and then they take them to their baths…we allow them to sleep in our beds tonight…the kids don't protest at all. Mine are especially so serene…this gives me relief…they feel their father…they want him…they know he'll come… and they are happy…I wonder if they know what it means to me…what he has prepared for me…what do they think of what is going to be my relationship with him?

They climb on my legs to kiss me. "Don't be too late!" Says Michaela, "we have missed you!" "I missed you too, honeys…I won't be late." I say, and they docilely take Federica's hands and go on to my room with her. We seat at our dinner table…all of us, and nobody talks for a while. I decide to break the ice, "Well, my friends, there is a lot we need to talk about…" I interrupt a little, then I hear Freya's voice, "Don't worry, Shaina…we know what has been going on." "I told them all." Adds Marin. "Well…" I say, "It's better this way, so we can just work out a plan. As you know, Seiya has found out about the children…All of them." I add. The girls don't look surprised to me. "Shaina," begins Shunrei, "We meant to tell you that we know about the kids calling him…and we also meant to tell you that our children have been doing the same…"

I stare at her in awe. "You mean that the others know about …" "No…" says Marin, "They don't…at least none of them has come here yet…apart from Seiya…" "And Shun…" I add…June stares at me almost with tears in her eyes… "I knew it…I felt it…Shaina, what happened in Greece?" My stomach is about to turn upside down at the thought of it… "Well…I was about to tell you…Saori has decided to forbid to anybody to come close to the Atlantic district until it will be the right time. She has talked to Seiya, and she'll talk to every one of them one by the time, to inform them, if they haven't realized it yet. But they are going to be introduced here very slowly…Seiya will come first…Yehoshua and Michaela have already met him…then will come Shun, who knows by now…then will come the others…

"How has Seiya taken it?" asks Freya, "Oh! He is so proud and happy of being a daddy so far…Of course I am the monster who kept the children prisoners in a silver castle…but that is only a detail…" I am sarcastic because I am mad at him…. The girls look scared now… "I have always thought that if Shyriu didn't want me because of his fear of leaving me alone if he'd have to die, he couldn't want the kids for the same reason…and I still hope it is like that…I don't want to risk having lost him and then having him taking my children away from me…I couldn't survive that…"

She is almost crying… "Shunrei, No!" I reassure her, " This is the great new! Athena gives us total right on the children! They are going to be allowed to be their fathers if they want to, but they cannot take them away from us… and as you said…they aren't so stupid as to want it…they know the risks of being a saint…"

She looks a little relieved now… "Did Athena tell you that?" she asks me… "Absolutely! You don't have to fear anything…you are totally protected…and so are all of us." Freya laughs bitterly, "I am not scared at all! Hyoga won't even try to come here once he knows!" She says sadly… "Freya… I thought the same about Seiya…I am not sure about that…but I want you to be calm and don't worry…and all of you: you have to be proud of yourselves! We have raised wonderful children, and we have been left alone! For whatever reason they believed was right! I'll keep my head up! And I want you to do the same!" I say solemnly, more to convince myself than them…they are convinced…and calmer now…Marin flares her Cosmo slightly…warmly…to infuse in all of us the consciousness that we keep the blade by its handle! That we have nothing to fear…that we are owners here! And owners of our destiny! They have to submit to us…for the first time we are in charge, and we'll use our power to make it clear. We are fine now and more united than ever. Yes, Marin! Now I know!!! I am the holder of my destiny!

Chapter XXIV: Eitan's song

I am singing a song for the beautiful eyes…as sweet as honey…as sour as angst…

I am singing a song for the cascading hair…as wild as the ocean…as long as my years adoring…

I am singing a song for the one whose name means "beautiful"…but to me it means "everything"…

I am singing a song of love…a song of worship…a song of submission…

Take me as your slave, my queen…take me as your servant…allow me to bathe your feet…and kiss them…

Allow me to adore you…

Why do you run away, beautiful lady? Why do you make fun of my love? You are so confident only because nobody can tie you…nobody can say "She is mine"…

Or maybe you are tied already? Tied waiting for someone who will never come…

Someone you donated everything to…and who didn't give you anything back…

Someone you have given the gift of life…and who gave you the death of the heart…

You play with my heart…you laugh at my emotions…you don't believe those who love you…you only believe those YOU love…and then they betray you…

Did it hurt? I would never hurt you…

If you were mine…if only…

I am singing a song to the milky skin…which has been used and trashed…I am singing a song to the delicate figure…which I saw swelling with child and rejoice in it…

And the fruits of your womb; who has them in his heart? Who feels the love I feel?

Who feels you my lady? I feel you…I desire you…I worship you…but you don't even notice it…you cruel…you sorceress who enchanted my heart and took away my sleep…

But please do…do take everything away from me…

There are stars I wish I could erase from Heaven…there are stars I wish I could destroy…thirteen stars look down at me…thirteen stars exult in their grandness…thirteen stars tell me I'll never have you…

I don't have any star, my lady…you are my star…

But if you were mine, I'd let you shine forever…like you deserve…but your light faded years ago, and the thirteen stars shine brighter…because they took the light you lost…and kept it to themselves…not allowing you to shine again…

But what is left in you still brightening is enough for me to illuminate my night…my life…my soul…

Shine on me beautiful lady…if only for one night…if only for one night…

Chapter XXV: The reunion

One month…it goes fast…doesn't it? Maybe it isn't happening…maybe it's just a dream…Friday…nice day. The ancient people said it was the day of Aphrodite…yeah…it's nice when you are in charge: you get to pass hand to the poor rookies whenever you want…and you remember you were a rookie yourself and hated it and said to yourself you would never do that to anybody…but then you realize that it is necessary…it is necessary to being a rookie…

Once somebody told me that to be sitting high and do nothing you must be sitting really high; well, we are sitting high enough to have the poor students working for us this weekend…poor Federica…poor Alexandra…they never complain… they never ask…sometimes I wish they would snap at me and tell me off and to stop bossing them around, but maybe they are wiser than I was when I was a rookie myself…Ok, so the girls will be working and I'll be relaxing…but after a minute I remember why I had the girls working for me today and shiver…

Yehoshua is still sleeping by my side…and where is Michaela? I take a look at the clock: 3 pm. Lucky kids today! They got to train only half day and also got to miss afternoon classes…they feel it's a holiday…I feel it's a funeral…point of views, I guess. The couch has gotten too warm and Yehoshua's head is so terribly sweaty…I kiss his hot red cheeks… "My love…gotta wake up…" "hhhmmmm…ffivemoreminut..s…hhmm.." he whispers… "C'mon babe, you have to take a shower…Listen, let's do this: I give you five more minutes while I go look for Micko, Ok? But when I come back you have to get up." He doesn't even answer…my sleepy head! Well…too bad, honey: I'll put you under that shower anyway, awake or asleep.

I don't know why I hadn't thought about looking in the bathroom first…my daughter was sitting there on a high stool, wearing the coolest outfit: Navy blue bell-leg pants and a cute light blue top with V neck that showed her belly button…the cutest belly button one can dream of. She was staring at herself in the mirror with a resigned look and brushing her unruly mane…slowly…. She looks at me leaning on the door behind her from the mirror. She smiles sweetly, "Did you choose that outfit yourself, little lady?" I tell her trying to sound casual, but I know very well what she is doing, "Yes, do you like it?" She answers slowly. "I love it!" she smiles more broadly and keeps brushing her hair, "What time is it, Mamma?" She almost sounds like she has grown in the past month…she also looks almost taller to me… "Past three…" I say, charmed by each move of her, "Yehoshua is still sleeping, hu?"

"Yeah, he is, but I'll throw him off that couch and have him taking a shower." I say…she deliberately refuses to talk of what is going to happen today…I feel she is happy, but I also know she feels I am worried…and I am, but at the same time I am so excited…it's sick!

We talked about it a month ago…and of course there is no more reason for us to pick up the conversation again. I am more conscious now of who or what my kids and the other kids are…and there is no way I can change their nature… "Mamma… " The girl starts, "hhm?" I say looking at her in the mirror…amazed by her beauty, "Please be happy! Things will work out!" Oh GOD! How can I hide myself from these little brats? They get every single thought of mine! I smile and almost cry in despair…it's true! I am worried!!! Michaela realizes she has upset me somehow and plays down… "Would you comb my hair?" She asks me…Of course I will, my love…of course I'll comb your hair that in other occasions we fight an hour to have you doing it…but this is the first time in your life that you are paying attention to your appearance…you are so young…and already so in love…Believe me, my love! That man will kill your heart! Like he killed mine! But you don't want to know that! "Sure, babe; what do you want me to do to it?" I say trying to sound cheerful; "HHmmm, just lift them on the sides and keep them up with these little butterfly clips, OK?" she is happy I am helping her, "All right!" I say and plant a long kiss on her forehead. She hugs me tight, "I love you 500 polar bears!" She says! You and your brother are my life, I think…

As usual it takes us one hour to awaken that sleeping log that is Yehoshua, but eventually I manage to throw him under the shower and wash him up…Michaela has gone downstairs with Marin…Aiolia is coming with Seiya today…I'd give a million bucks to know how the two of them made out…. finally I manage to dry up Yehoshua… His hair is covering his face…Gosh babe, I need to give you a hair cut…but after all you look so much like your father this way…there I go again! He is not his father! He is his own boy! Of course the resolution only strikes my mind temporarily, since I move the hair off his face and I find him pulling his tongue and crossing his eyes: no! You are definitely your father! At least as he used to be years ago…

I laugh and he gets serious… "So?" I ask him, "Shaina?" he says "Yehoshua?" I reply mockingly, "What should I call him?" The smile leaves my face… God! I hadn't thought about that! I didn't expect this to be a tough question…what do you want to call him, my love?

"Well…I mean…what do you call me?" I say the first thing that comes to my mind, "Shaina?" he asks to me… puzzled. I laugh again… "I mean, you call me by name, and I think you should call him by name as well…" "Ok!" He concludes happily. Yehoshua is as simple as Seiya…he doesn't need special thinking before getting to a conclusion, he just chooses the right path easily…that is it…People often mistake Seiya for a superficial person, but he is not superficial, he is just practical, but many people aren't, that is why they can't understand him…

We get down in the TV room…the others have decided to take advantage of the day to go out to the city with the other kids…I believe they are embarrassed toward Seiya…OK, who breaks pays and keeps the shards! And it seems like the shards are all mine this time…

Andreas, Yehoshua and Eleni watch some TV, while Michaela stands at the window. "Are you all right?" Marin asks me, "No…does it make a difference?" "I guess not at this point…it's like when we wait for a war…we don't know how fiery it's going to be…how long…Shaina?" She says, "Hmm?" I answer, "You know it's going to be all right don't you?" "No I don't! Please, infuse that thought in my mind!" I say smiling faintly…

"Now me and the kids are going to my apartments to wait for Aiolia, and you'll stay here and handle Seiya." "Marin no! Don't leave me alone!" I plead, almost crying, like a young bride scared of the wedding night who keeps hanging on to her mother and pleading not to let her go…. "Shaina, you have to handle this!" She says in a low voice…I see the kids starting…I feel a wave of warm Cosmo…Eleni jumps up, "Aiolia! Aiolia mou!" She cries and runs to the door…too late, they are here…the door opens up and Eleni and Andreas jump in his arms… I feel Marin's heart pumping wildly…Aiolia hugs the kids so tight and kisses them, then he turns to Yehoshua and Michaela standing at the door and picks them both up to hug them too, just the same way he did with his kids, while they are hugging his legs…he puts them down… "HERE ARE MY BUDDIES!!!" He says to them, then he comes toward us, after putting them down, then hugs me before Marin…and whispers to my ear, "Someone is downstairs and I believe you should go say welcome." then kisses my cheeks. "Aiolia, I am scared!" I say trembling, "WHAT? You? Scared? Of what? Your Super Aiolia is here and won't let anything bad happening to you, and now I suggest you go face that evil monster downstairs and bring his head back on a silver plate!" He teases flipping me over…Marin laughs, "Is he really that mad?" I ask him… "Of course not! He mostly looks like a beaten puppy! Now get out of here and let me jump on my gal, will you?" I laugh now, and I realize that the kids aren't here anymore, "Where are they?" I say… how stupid! Do I need to wonder? "Thanks Aiolia!" I tell him, and he gets serious again…I know he is behaving this way so as to make me feel more comfortable, but I know Seiya is mad…I hold Marin's hand for a minute and leave…Andreas and Eleni haven't left Aiolia's legs yet…I see him holding Marin tight, and I decide that this is another one of those days in which one grows a little more…

I leave the little family to direct myself down the stairs…my legs are weak and I need to hold the railing…as I take a few steps down, my heart stops beating for a minute…Seiya is there, hugging both kids as tight as it could be imagined… and it looks to me like he is crying a little…My mind runs at that night on the shore, when he met them first…His Cosmo is…adoring…happy…his heart is like exploding…almost like mine…I stop on the stairs for a minute…and he looks up at me…There we go again…when it comes to feel his Cosmo concerning his feelings for me is like my own meets a wall!

Our eyes meet and all of the meaningful times of our "relationship" (can I really call it that?) run past my eyes like on a movie screen…the kids have sunk their heads in his neck and look like they are asleep…he is obviously gorgeous…wearing long, large military green pants with side pockets and a half-tight gray shirt…He has shaved this time…In his eyes, an expression I can't define…sad? Serious? Hateful?

"Welcome…" I manage to murmur and I hope my face is not showing my soul…The kids turn up to look at me, "Shaina, finally!" They say, increasing my embarrassment. He doesn't answer…I go down the stairs slowly…his silence makes me so uncomfortable…. his look on me makes me feel worst…what is that?

I am expecting some kind of sarcastic comments, but nothing comes out…just "Thanks." Now what? What are we supposed to do? Talk about the trip? All right, "How was your trip here?" "By plane," He answers, the kids laugh, but I know he didn't mean to be funny…well… since you think I talk bullshit why don't you start a conversation? "How are you?" I say, "Glad it interests you," He adds, and still holding the kids kisses both my cheeks…I am amazed…I thought he had forgotten that…I smell him and feel like I am getting weak…my senses are being aroused against my will…

Should I leave them alone? I believe they need some time by themselves; besides, he is making me feel like an intruder…Hey! Watch out Seiya! They are still MINE!

On the other hand I think that maybe it's not time yet for them to be alone…what am I to do? I thought I was ready for this! Probably I am not…Seiya's gaze on me is mean, or maybe I am paranoid…

"Wanna see our room?" Yehoshua asks him. Thanks my little love! Since your sister is too busy drooling on him at least I got you a little more cold minded, I think, still trying to find the exact words to talk to him and to avoid his cynicism…I am watching Michaela who cannot stop kissing him and he cannot stop kissing them both… "Of course I do! Where do we head, Navigators?" he plays… "9 o'clock, captain!" Yehoshua says, and Michaela laughs… then Seiya looks at me with that same undefined gaze, "How about we let this mermaid lead us?" He says and I wonder whether he is still being cynical or he has decided to give me a little break." "Right!" Says Michaela, "Shaina IS a real mermaid, she swims so fast nobody can reach her! Well; almost…" He laughs…how beautifully you laugh, my love…how beautifully you smile at them…look at me…give me the same smile… if only for a second…if only…

We head to my apartments and I open the door… the place is warm and nice, he looks around, "See? This is where we retire when we want to be by ourselves with Shaina," Michaela has let him put her down and is now leading the expedition…she can't wait for her father to be totally comfortable in her life! Yehoshua doesn't either, but he is calmer…more confident than Michaela…

He looks at the pictures…some made by the kids…he stops to look at four frames that show some little blue handprints and footprints…there we go…now I am making him really mad, "Those where their prints the second they were born…" You'll have to live with that, Seiya: you weren't there! He doesn't look mad…I mean, no more than he looked when he came…he touches them… "Where they this little?" I wish I could throw my arms at his neck and just kiss him to exhaustion! Of course they were that little…do you think I bore them like they are now? You wish it was that…but it isn't!

"Yeah…" I simply say…and fortunately the kids pull him, "Come on! Come to see our room!" He follows them laughing…

The kids room has one big bed… little stars stuck on the walls that when the light goes off at night they glow in the dark…The kids don't waste time, they need to show it to him, "Watch this!" Says Yehoshua while Michaela shuts the windows so as not to have the fading sunlight get in, Seiya looks at the walls and the ceiling, where I placed the stars in the same order as the northern hemisphere, with all of the constellation… "You did this?" He asks me, "Yes…I did it,"I say, almost proud of myself. The kids open up the windows again, "Pretty cool, hu?" Says Yehoshua…

"It's GREATLY cool!" He adds…

The kids can't stop showing Seiya stuff…he is amazed on the pictures…especially he stops on the Calendar me and the girls made for the Graude Foundation…it contains pictures of us in black and white… I don't ask him why he keeps staring at it…I don't want another sarcastic comment to get like fresh air out of his mouth…Yehoshua and Michaela would want to show him all about us that he has been missing for five years…but I believe for his sake that it's too much emotion… "Hey guys…you have 10 whole days to show him everything: don't you think Seiya is tired now?"

Athena has allowed 10 days to him and Aiolia this time… only to make him adapt to the environment. Aiolia was flipping out when he knew that! This is the longest time he got to spend with Marin in five years! His presence will be calming… " I am sooo hungry, mamma!" Yehoshua says, "Ok… I guess we all are! Why don't you guys show the rest of the apartment to Seiya and I get something to eat ready?

I am trying to ease the situation, but I know Seiya has been puzzled by the way Yehoshua called me, "YEAAAAAH!!!" They both yell! " You see, Seiya, Shaina makes the best pasta!" He smiles at them tenderly, "OH! So I can trust her, right?" What do you mean, jerk?

I sigh of relief as I leave them in the living room…I hear them playing, showing him their favorite videos, pictures, that he seems eager to see…I set the table ready for the four of us…why do I light candles? I decide to take them off the table…he has barely talked to me, who am I kidding? "No! Leave them!" His voice reaches me from the kitchen's doorstep…I blush…. Gosh! He caught me!

"Did they deliberately decide to let you breathe or did they fall asleep on the rug?" I say trying to sound cheerful…

"They just put a video on and I told them I would check on you for a second…" He says dryly…or sexily? I am trembling…

"I am almost done here." I say without looking at him…

"It smells good in here…" he says now a little gentler…

"I just remembered you liked this kind of pasta…it actually is also the kids favorite…" I add casually…

"They are…great…" He says…turning icy again…it's just like when we have made love…now warm and sweet…now cold and tough…

"What did Yehoshua call you?" I knew he had to go there! "You mean…Mamma? It's…just…the Italian word for Mommy." I add in a breath…

"You don't have to be scared…I know I am not supposed to have them calling me Daddy…I have been schooled pretty well in the last month about this…Amazon Harbor."

There he goes cynical again…

"Seiya…I…" I what? What am I going to say?

"Don't worry…I said it's fine…"

And why do you look at me like that, then? I don't have the time to wonder… I turn my back on him and rinse the noodles…I feel him at my back…now I am really going to faint…he moves one of my locks off my naked shoulder and places a bite on it…I grit my teeth trying to stand up to the pain…then he licks where he had just bitten… "Painful, hu? I felt the same in my heart when they called me Seiya!"

"Get the kids…" I say, "It's ready."

Then I add, "You can bite me as much as you want, my love! You know what your role as a father is going to be! And it's not me who asked for it."

Are we at war again? Why? I mean, have we ever been at peace after all?

During the dinner we manage to keep an easy atmosphere…good thing he is at least conscious that Yehoshua and Michaela don't need to see our divergences…The kids won't stop talking to him at all…and telling him how much fun they have here…and how good their Shaina is…every time they say that I feel like he is going to burst into a laugh and tell them who I really am: a former bloody murderer who plays good Amazon mommy…but he doesn't…he also makes me compliments…

"It's the first time I taste your cooking…" he kind of smiles a little…

"It's great," he adds…

Finally I get to smile for real tonight… "Thanks…." I say lowly, and I have the feeling he is about to hold my hand…but he doesn't… "I told you she is the best!" Sentences Yehoshua.

We both put them to bed…and I initiate him to the nighttime ritual with them…

"Seat by me!" Says Michaela inviting him on their bed. He obeys and Yehoshua lies by Michaela, pulling me by his side…Seiya rests his head on his arm and caresses them…I lay by Yehoshua and watch them…I am amazed…my heart is melting…they look so much alike…he is so tender with them… "Mamma?" Yehoshua recalls my attention on why we are laying on his bed…I smile and start singing their favorite lullaby…

Seiya looks up at me…amazed…puzzled…I fake I don't notice it, and keep singing until the kids fall fast asleep… "What is it?" I ask him in low voice so as not to wake them up… "That song…" he says, "Hhm?" I answer playing with Yehoshua's curls… "They…sang it for me…" then he stops…he thinks I don't deserve any other explanation… "I know…" I say…there is no need of words…That is the good of being able to communicate with your Cosmo things you wouldn't be able to communicate with your voice… Too bad I can' t read his Cosmo anymore…this must be the fruit of my effort to erase him from my mind…not that I made it, though…

I slowly rise, "Tomorrow I'll talk to you about them a little more…" He is still there…watching them… "Michaela looks so much like you…but look: she has got my eyes, and my hair…" It's funny how he is pitch mad at me and still there we are talking about our kids… Well…give him time, Shaina… he'll hurt you again…

"Come on…I'll show you your room, the servants have already brought your stuff there…"

We get out of the kids' room, after kissing them, which has melted my heart when I saw him doing it… "So… what do you think?" Couldn't I just shut up? Did I really have to ask him that? He smiles meanly, " You mean if I am giving you the award of Mom of the Year yet?"

"Seiya…I can't take anymore of your sarcasm for today…I am just too tired…since I cannot change the past five years let's at least try to make the next days less distressing, OK?" I hadn't realized that we are at the door of his room, why do I have to show him that he is scaring me?

"Less distressing, hu?" He says, and then he bursts into a laugh… "Yeah, sure!" He adds with a tone that I don't like one bit! I open the door with the key and make sure that the maids have brought his stuff in…everything seems ready, "Ok… You'll be fine. I am going now, goodnight!" I am starting to get angry at his attitude, so I try to show him a cold face…he has noticed that, and on the door step he grabs my hand, "Playing icicle with me?" He slams the door and pushes me against it to take my lips…why hadn't I thought about the danger of falling in his trap again? Life is funny…once I was the one trapping people in my thunder claw…

His tongue seeks mine wildly as he roams his hands all over my body…the tension of a month melts in us both…there is no time for anything…we can't allow ourselves to take our time…he needs to know this is real…and I need his body badly…two different reasons…two different ways… but the same hastiness…he can't allow to lay me on the bed…not now…he needs me now…here…and for different reasons I do too…he takes me against the door…hurting me…making me sink my head in his neck so as not to scream out all of the pleasure I am feeling…again…that same pleasure I felt the first time…and one month ago…and as I enjoy the wave of delight that takes me after only a few thrusts, and my tongue melts in his mouth, I know I'll pay this moments of bliss tomorrow…when he'll smash my heart on the floor as he always does after he takes me to Heaven…but I don't want to think of this now!

He comes with a long groan of pleasure and stays there…impaled… relishing is climax while I feel something warm dripping down my legs…I wish I could tell you how much I love you, my sweet….

I thought he would just tell me off now that he doesn't need me anymore…instead he doesn't let me go…he picks me up and lays me on the bed…to lay on top of me and relax a little…before his kisses start their dance again…before he wants our bodies to join again…before he takes me to heaven again…what will this cost to my soul? What is it going to be like tomorrow? What is he going to take away from me after these moments of giving? I should wonder…I should…but I am a coward…and this is too good so as to say no to him! I wrap myself around him and let him lead our dance of passion…all I want is to feel him…to taste him…to smell him…to have him be mine…if only for this night…if only for this night…


End file.
